drawing a blank? no.. i didn't think so.

i feel like i dont have that much to say. i was just drawn to this page, to write another note. i say that, and then i bet that 30-60 minutes later there will be a page full and i'll have poured my heart out once again. it's 2:06 now. so we'll see.

i slept literally all day yesterday (sunday) after working saturday night. i woke up at 10pm when my mom called me, frustrated that i'd missed an entire day with john, who spent the day watching his two favorite teams win (yankees and dolphins). i figured i'd be up all night after sleeping all day. not so much. i fell asleep on the couch with him at midnight, despite only being awake for 2 hours. i was awake and asleep off and on while flipping channels. went back into bed at 4am. i feel like i literally slept all day and then all night. im sure i needed it. i work hard simply just remembering to inhale and exhale, in that order, and to repeat the process in it's entirety over and over again, all day. and reminding myself not to scream my head off at inapprorpiate times. which is almost always. when exactly is it approrpiate to scream your head off? on a rollercoaster? when you're 2 and having a tantrum? when someone startles you? when your teenager has misbehaved? at a concert, a football game? when you see a spider? when your spouse cheats? when a baby dies? what about 3 months after a baby dies, is it still ok then? not when you're working at a children's hospital (or working anywhere, i'd guess, unless you work as a concert attendant or at football games). not when you're at the dentist, the grocery store, or when you're at home while your husband is asleep. no, im not thinking it's appropriate to scream during those times, i dont think it would go over vey well. unless you're 2. or unless you have a tattoo on your head that says "my baby died." oh. her baby died. i see. that's why she's screaming. well.. just let her do it then, i guess.

the heating guy came earlier this morning for maintenance. they come at the beginning of each season to check to heat/air. last time he came, kathlyn's door was open. we'd just bought the crib. he saw it. i noticed him looking in there, and then looking at me. trying to figure out if either (a) i was pregnant or (b) where the baby was. i have a large frame, so at this time in april,you couldnt really quite tell if i was pregnant or if i was just gaining weight. so i spared him the wonder and told him that i was pregnant. i loved being pregnant, i told anyone within earshot. he said "yea i saw the crib, i was wondering!" he is young, and handsome. we've chatted on his visits before. his wife works at my hospital in the offices (not in a medical position). he told me on that visit in april that he and his wife would probably start trying soon. he didnt ask today.. her door is closed, but her cute animal nameplate is still on the door. one of her bouncy seats and her exersaucer is in the closet upstairs that he has to walk through to get to the heater. there is no way not to notice those things. he must have remembered. but he didnt say anything. maybe he figured the baby was asleep behind her closed door, and that it would be creepy to ask. but i can imagine if his wife was newly pregnant, if he was excited, he would have said something. he's usually chatty. he has remembered details in the past, about us both working at the hospital. he looks like he's gained weight, i didnt think he was as handsome as i thought previously. maybe they are having trouble conceivng. maybe they have miscarried. maybe that's why he's put on weight, and he doesnt have it in him to be happy for someone who has a new baby. ive written about this before... how i make up stories in my head about people. i wasnt screaming my head off with grief (inappropriate while the heating guy is in your house). and i dont have the "my baby died" tattoo or even the t-shirt. so he could make up whatever story he wanted about us. or maybe it makes absolutely no difference to him. he's in and out of houses all day. there are too many stories to follow. im guessing if ours ever comes up again, it's a story he wouldnt soon forget. my friend was telling me on the phone the other day that she was impressed with all the daily struggles that i power through.. simple things that you'd never think twice about doing, like going to the dentist and facing people who on the last encounter, i was pregnant. how exhausting it must be to anticipate all the possible comments and awkward moments. add "visit from the heating guy" to that list. absolutely nothing came of it. he didnt say a word. but all the possibilities still exhausted me. that's what it's like to hold hands with grief.

im sitting here wishing that john would wake up. but then again, what's the point? we have nothing to do. i cant stop thinking about all the things we SHOULD be doing... enjoying our daughter on a lazy, cool fall afternoon. nothing to do, but everything to do with taking care of her. i spent well over 2 hours talking to one of my assistant managers after work the other night.. i hadnt seen her yet. she is one of the people who was working the day kathlyn died, and she spent the rest of the afternoon calling every single employee for me, new tears falling with each new person she broke the news to. we talked about how it's hard for me to listen to people talk about their children, but that i dont blame them for it. i want to talk about my child too. she has 3 children.. she said really, when she's not at work, her life is completely about them and their needs.. and she loves it that way.. so honestly there's not much else to really talk about! and that's why people do it. i understand that. i crave that. i grieve for that. and this is why i have nothing to do now. that was the stage in my life i was willingly about to enter: the kids. nothing else to do, but the kids. nothing else to talk about, but the kids. john and i could find something to do, im sure. maybe a few last motorcycle rides before winter. maybe a movie, out to dinner, a fall picnic with the dogs. blah blah blah. really, it's just time fillers. i might enjoy myself for a molecule of time, but i think of kathlyn non-stop. i dont want to go to another movie. i dont want a quiet dinner date night. i dont want to go on a picnic without her. i want to bundle her up like a little bug an bring her along.

i found out today that a friend of a friend, someone i've met a few times but dont know well, just lost her full term baby boy. i am horrified. this just keeps happening. babies keep dying. and i want to reach out and help her. i will watch her 3 months behind me on this grief journey which is about as much fun as being attacked relentlessly by a shark, living through the attack when the easier thing to do would just be to die. but you pray to live through it, for the sake of your surviving family members. for the sake of helping the other victims. i would much rather have a different ministry. i would much rather have been attacked by a shark. i would much rather live without my legs, or my arms, or my eyes, or whatever.. than to live without my daughter, to live knowing that this woman now must live without her son.

it's now 3:01. i told you so.