oh halloween.. i really did not see this coming.
i posted pictures the other day of kathlyn's sweet little duckie costume that was given to me by a friend at my baby shower. she was going to be my little duckie today. i thought about typing "she was going to be my little duckie but instead she's my little angel" but that's just really too fucking sentimental for my mood right now. how many little 6-12 month olds will be dressed up as angels today? psh. whatever.
my moods change so quickly. cue the broken record.. "it's exhausting." a few minutes ago, i was totally blah. then i change to sad, then angry. angry to the core. seriously, what is the point of dressing up a 3 month old, they dont trick or treat, it's cold, they don't eat candy. the only point is how stinkin cute they are. and im missing it all. the duckie costume looks ridiculous and awkward by itself. it's only cute when you picture a baby inside of it. but that's not me, not my family. what a joke. TRICK. im such a fool. i was so stupidly in love with that little girl. and now im just stupid.
we have bags and bags of candy ready for today. but what was i thinking? that i'd be able to handle people REPEATEDLY RINGING MY DOORBELL SHOWING ME HOW CUTE THEIR CHILDREN ARE. ding dong, trick or treat, hi, we're happier families than you, give us some candy, thanks, BYE NOW. repeat 700 times. i would rather be slapped in the face. at least the raw pain would be physically visable to the outsider that way.
death, darkness, anger.. the true spirit of halloween lives at my house. great. i never realized halloween could be harder than the other two upcoming holidays. because, cue the sarcasm, i just have SO much to be thankful for this year. and i acknowledge that statement was really insulting to my husband, my mother, the rest of my family, my supporters.. because i AM thankful for them. but i'd rather not know how great they turned out to be in the face of tragedy. i'd rather not be a stronger person or love more deeply. i want to love a regular amount. and have my baby here. and christmas, yea, THERE'S something to look forward to. christmas isnt just december anymore. people are ALREADY doing christmas. love, joy, the spirit of giving and families. another year of just me and john and no toys under the tree, no pudgy little fingers ripping through wrapping paper and trying to eat it, because after all, the wrapping paper is the best part for babies. i just... cant do it. i cant do halloween, i cant do thanksgiving, i cant do christmas. it's just too different than i thought it would be.
the new year i cant avoid though. it changes to 2010 whether i celebrate or not. well you know what, fuck you 2009. good riddance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I feel like every year I say "this has got to be a better year", and it never is, its always worse....I get what you are saying. Every holiday or every birth announcement are reminders of what we dont have, and it sucks. I had a vision of 3 peas in a pod is how I would have dressed the girls today. Thinking of you xo Nan
ReplyDeleteOh Beth. I'm so sorry that your little duckie isn't here. And Nan, I'm so sorry that your three little peas in a pod aren't here.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is just all too sad.
Here's wishing for better things for all of us in 2010. xo
Gosh this post takes me back to that place. I am just so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI love and hate 2009. I experienced the miracle of giving birth, the joy of falling totally in love with purity embodied in my Akul and then suddenly I lost him. I do not know how to remember 2009 - is it the year I got to meet my darling angel baby or the year that stole me of all happiness?
ReplyDeleteBeth, I do hope 2010 is much better for you and John. It has to be, right? My thoughts are with you, as always...
ReplyDelete