tonight I mourn

I expected this. It's the eve of a holiday, so I expected to feel this way. But that doesnt make it any easier. tonight, everyone is busy busy busy with family and being thankful, and i am left alone with a broken heart. I woke up and just cried.

my first instinct is to scramble and make a desperate plea for someone without family plans to be with me tonight. but really, i think i need to have nights where i can just cry it out. i can try to fill the empty hole in my heart, but anything i put there just gets swallowed up, a sentiment felt by and written about by many other bereaved mothers i have come across. we HAVE to mourn our babies. we cannot avoid it. it hurts. it hurts my own ears to listen to myself cry, especialy when i know i'm the only one who can hear.

but before i can even finish writing this note here.. i am rescued. my phone rang with not one, but two offers from my biggest supporters to come rescue me tonight. two offers to chose from. someone else will hear me cry tonight, after all.

i just want my baby..

be back later.