NICU

i worked in the NICU the other night. i cant really say much, but as long as i stay vague, it's ok. i was shocked at how many preemies are in there who's parents have lost a sibling before this one. there are also a lot of preemies who are extremely fraile and probably wont make it. there is just so much that can go wrong, so much.. it's a wonder any of us make it. on the other hand, i cant wrap my mind around these little babies, who weigh 2 pounds are are surviving, with ailments and paper thin skin, when my baby weighed 7 pounds and was healthy and perfectly formed, who did not. they are so fragile and small.. their little bodies practically fit into one hand. i cant palm a basketball, but i found myself practically palming this baby, as i held him up into the corner of his isolette, to get him "out of the way" to change his bedding underneath him. i wanted to hold them longer, but you're really not supposed to. you're supposed to let them sleep and grow in between feeding times and not disturb them at all unless they have a dangerous life threatening episode (which they tend to do a lot). gosh, i really deserve a lot of credit for having the strength to work there, don't i?

i watched a mother breastfeed her preemie for the very first time, and even advised her on it. it made my heart beam for her, she was just thrilled and so in love. but of course, my heart was breaking for kathlyn, for what i missed out on. such a beautiful thing though. probably the most beautiful thing i have ever seen, other than my daughter's face. how often do you get to witness moments like that? they were bonding like they never had before. after she was finished and getting ready to leave, i had to do a small procedure on the child that made him cry, and of course, made his mother cry too. i assured her not to worry, that he would be over it way before she was. she said "i'm happy too though, it's nice because i've never heard him cry so loud like that. he's come such a long way."

i never heard my baby cry.

i emailed with one of my OBs the other day, one of the ones who delivered Kathlyn. she told me something i had forgotten. right after delivery, she heard me said "I guess it's true." i really dont remember saying that.. but im not surprised, because i remember feeling that way. i hoped that she would just cry when they took her out of me... this must be a mistake.. please just cry, baby. but of course, she didn't. that horrible, horrible news from earlier that morning was true. and im still living in that nightmarish truth... waiting one day to wake up to a different truth. i still can't believe it. you absolutely cannot understand "want" until you want for your own newborn child to be back in your arms.