taking a risk

im going to take a risk here, a risk that i believe is worth it.

there is a mother i have come to know who is hurting three times more than i am. this blog community knows her well. she is shattered, broken, completely undone and i dont know what to do for her. unimaginable for the rest of us, but so very true and real to that mother.

she is angry, three times as angry as i am. and hurt. three times more, three million times more. but here is the risk i am taking, something i want to tell her. and im telling her publicly because it's also speaking volumes from my own heart about my own loss. i have so much to do later today, i need to get to sleep. but i cant, not until i do this. you know who you are. you know who im talking to. other moms, if you'll receive it, im talking to you too.

i have only one hope. only one. it's not my wonderful husband. it's not my family. it's not my friends, my job, my dogs, my church. it's not another baby. not my second child, or my third, forth, or fifth child, or however many children i get to have and hopefully raise (five pregnancies?! God help me, not making a pun, GOD HELP ME.)

my only hope is that i will see kathlyn again. she is in heaven, waiting, happy, peaceful, very much alive and loved and loving. she is with my dad, her grandfather. she is with whoever else she wants to be with. she is with Jesus. and because i have made the conscious choice as a Christian to believe in Him, that He died for humanity, someday, she will be with me.

you've made it clear, you are angry. so am i. i am angrier than i've ever been. i've cursed out that very God i am speaking of. He gets it. but the beauty of it.. i still get to go.

isn't it worth it? that one, only hope.. you can have it too. go ahead and be angry, but don't turn away from God, please don't. maybe you'll hate me for this. how dare i do this? go ahead and be angry at me too, i can handle it. i think it's worth it. i think it's worth it to take the risk, to believe, so that you can have those three babies you made. those three babies you love.

i took the risk here. take it or leave it. but please... take it.

my pastor said it this week in church too... we have one purpose in life. maybe not our ONLY purpose.. but the biggest one, is to turn people towards Jesus. and i think it's worth it.

worth it for me... I WILL SEE KATHLYN AGAIN. i wanted her here. i wanted my turn first here. we all did, all of us bereaved mothers. but it didnt happen that way, now did it? and i hate it. i will cry every day over it. i will curse and throw things and wish until i cant breathe anymore that she was here with me, exhausting me as a mother instead of a griever. but my only hope...

we'll see them again.

katie, i love you. sleep tight and wait for me. you are still my baby.