tonight I mourn, part 2

as I was saying...

I expected this week, this month, this holiday season to be very hard. somehow though, it still hits me like a ton of bricks. how can Kathlyn not be here? this was supposed to be the thanksgiving to top them all.. finally I could be thankful for the child I've been waiting for my whole life. but then the universe said.. errr.. actually.. nevermind. i hate you, universe. and i hate you 2009. can't we just get this over with? i had my daughter and my dreams taken away from me abruptly, can't we just abruptly tear the carpet out from under the rest of 2009, too?

but then my two best north carolina friends called. one was willing to come over once her husband arrived home from work and she got her children settled for dinner and bed. i felt bad, taking her away from her family, even though they'd have all day tomorrow together as a family, but i really, REALLY needed her to come on a night like this, so i knew she would. but then when my second friend called, one from my church, i went to dinner with her instead, letting the other friend off the hook. and i saw baby kylie's family again too. i saw kylie THREE times this week... two of which, she was wearing kathlyn's sleeper. i decided i'm going to give her a 6 and 9 month size something too. it's been so nice seeing her in the 3 month sleeper so often.. i dont want her to grow out of it. the solution to that is to just give her a replacement outift, since babies grow whether we want them to or not. except for mine. my baby will be a baby forever :(

on the way home, i dreaded asking my church friend if i could come to her house, but i dreaded more being at my house alone. but she hadnt seen her husband all day either. i didnt want to be a rift between them. i was torn, and my heart was sinking fast with the decision to go home alone. and then, like a gift from God for the third time tonight, her phone rang. it was another friend from church, a woman who is currently watching her husband suffer from cancer, calling to ask her for directions to my house, because she wanted to stop by. she had seen my first message on facebook. we both needed the company. we cried together. we dont like it.. we would change it if we had any power.. but we cry together as we become stronger women in our faith, through our heartache.

the dinner i had was at a chinese restaurant. my fortune cookie message said:

"God looks after you especially."

Wow. WOW.. He sure did, didn't He..



i mentioned this picture earlier this week. the one of me and baby kylie at church, wearing kathlyn's sleeper. her parents, by the way, did that on purpose that day. they wanted kathlyn to be honored for our church thanksgiving. it's surreal to see a picture of myself holding a little baby. i look... content. i guess. i look like a little bit of a mess, i think, but i also think that i walk around looking like that all the time and i accept it. i dont expect much from myself right now. i didnt know she was taking the picture. but i'm glad she did... me and my little shadow baby. the second picture is my friend with kylie (not her mommy, but the one who was taking pictures and the one who took me out to dinner tonight.) she is just like me, she looooooovess babies, she gets her hands on them whenever she can. she can't wait to have her own. that smile... that million dollar smile.. that's the face i *used* to make when i held babies, too.





i'll still continue to hold her any time i get the chance. she's such a good baby and right now she loves to give hugs. she just snuggles her little head right into you.. that's probably what she's about to do in that picture, she does it all the time. she does it to everyone, but i still like to imagine kathlyn coming down and getting in on those sweet baby hugs. i held her for a long time tonight at the chinese restaurant. as the family sitting behind us was about to leave, they came up to the table to look at the sweet little baby. again i say, like on sunday, imagine the attention we would get with TWO babies at the table. but my heart skipped a beat as i realized, the gentleman who came up to see the baby, i recognized him. i'm positive he recognized me too, and he definitely thought kylie was my baby. he asked, "how old is she?" and i answered "5 months" and they all said "she's adorable!"

when i was 6 months pregnant, i bought a few things from target downtown right by my hospital. i was buying a lot of pink, so this gentleman, the cashier (who, if i may say directly, is clearly not interested in women..) said "SO! you know you're having a girl! how far along are you??" and i said "6, almost 7 months!" and he said "OH MY GOSH! You're TINY! My friend is only 4 months and she's bigger than you!!!!!" i left out of there TOTALLY thrilled... no one has EVER used the word "tiny" to describe me or any part of me.. not EVER. so last week... i was at that target again. when i had been at kindermourn a few days before for the "grief in the holidays" seminar, they said if it comforts you to buy something special for your baby for christmas even though they've died, just do it. so, i did. i bought a few things to put in her stockings. and there was more pink. so when i saw that guy at the cashier, i did EVERYTHING in my power to avoid him. i didnt want him to remember me, see that i was buying baby girl things again, and ask about her. maybe he wouldn't have... ive worked retail before, it's creepy to mention that you remember someone, especially when children are involved. but i just didnt want to find out. i didnt want him to ask and me have to be like "oh yep, i had the baby, sure did, and these things are for her, but um, she's not living. no no.. these arent for someone eles.. they're for her anyway." hm. yea. creepy is right.

so you can imagine my shock when i heard his distinctive voice asking "how old is she?" and i looked up and there he was again, unavoidable. and kylie and kathlyn are about the same age, so if he did the math.. yea.. he DEFINITELY thinks she's mine. especially since i answered the question myself to how old she is. hah. great. NOW what do i do if i see him at that target again?! who knows.. maybe he's sensitive and he'll be sweet and understanding (that's stereotypical, sorry..) poor guy.. it's gonna break his heart. it breaks most people's...

Kathlyn, i miss you. have a great big feast for Mommy tomorrow. thinking of you always.. wish you were here with me to introduce to the sweet funny guy from target.