reminder

ive been sitting here staring at the screen for several minutes. my mind is at war with itself, and i dont know where to start. i feel like im losing my touch. i dont have anything beautiful or poetic to say anymore. before, even my most heartwrenching words have been touching. now it's just all anger, bitterness, resentment. it's like i'm spitting on the screen instead of shedding tears onto it.

tonight was bad. it was just about as bad as it gets. and when the worst of the storm settled, i laid in my empty bedroom trying to sleep away the grief, empty because it's just too hard for john to see me like that sometimes, so we separate ourselves. as i laid there hoping for sleep, i pictured all of the people that i resisted calling about an hour earlier. that hour, that i had spent outside of the house, in an empty parking lot, so that i could scream and cry and hate my life and grieve outside of earshot of my also grieving husband. he didnt chase me as i left the house. he didnt beckon me to return. i returned when i was ready.. the wrench in my heart, and the puffiness of my eyes, i can still feel. i am not bereft of the heaviness of it all.

before sleep gave me that short reprieve, i pictured those people, imaged what they might be doing, winding down their tuesday evening, un-frazzled and un-burdened by a call from their grieving friend. what, honestly, could they have done for me anyway. sometimes, maybe, i just need to scream. it's part of the process. i think maybe i needed to do it more. stay in the parking lot for longer. since that heaviness is still weighing me down almost 8 hours later.


with a feeling that horribly resembles low self esteem, i told myself it was better i didnt call anyone, better not to bother them on their otherwise normal tuesday nights. what's tearing me apart, is that i would be comforted to know that maybe some of them shed some tears for me in the shower or as they tucked their children into bed and kissed them goodnight. because half the time, i just feel like no one gives a shit anymore. no one mentions it. no one wants to send me screaming into an empty parking lot by stirring it out of me. or maybe enough time has passed, no one thinks im doing that anymore. im back to work, trying for another baby, doing so much better. it's ok now to just move on with normal tuesday nights. and by my not calling and alerting anyone to the fact that it's still happening, im only allowing everyone not to give a shit anymore. i thought i'd said goodbye to low self esteem with my teenage years. it's back. and it hurts a lot more when there's actually a reason for it. i had absolutely nothing to complain about when i was a teenager. i could go back and smack some sense into myself: "stop whining over that! dont you know your baby is gonna die?!" i've just had and epiphany. maybe THIS is what ive been so anxious about all these years. my anxious and worrisome personality just KNEW something terrible was going to happen. i have always, always, always had a soft spot for babies. and ive waited so long for one of my own. and now she's dead. i felt it coming for almost 30 years. my heart is broken. the universe hit me right where it knew it would hurt the most.

earlier during the night, i sent a text to someone who has been wonderfully loyal about texting me almost every day. (read: she gives a shit.) she reassured me that the people who actually care about me, are still thinking of me. they havent forgotten. and the same people wouldnt mind being reminded how bad im hurting. so this is your reminder. im dying inside. i feel like im losing it.. my mind, my heart, my interest in anything, and at times, my will to live. my demeanor on the outside may show differently, but im falling deeper and deeper into depression. this might sound like a person who's not healthy enough to get pregnant right now. but im afraid that not being pregnant will just enable the depression even further. something needs to change, and fast. i feel like one of my patients in respiratory distress. we intervene because if we dont, they wear themselves out and simply, just stop breathing. they need assistance... i need assistance. i need intervention. i cant breathe. i just cant breathe without my daughter. and i just cant breathe when i feel like im the only one grieving her anymore. so im reminding you.. im begging you.. wipe my nasty spit off of your computer screen.. come wipe my tears instead and help me breathe.