i'm exhausted.

it's amazing after all i've been through, it surprises me how much sleep i need. what's amazing is that it surprises me, not that i'm doing it. it shouldn't really surprise me. i'm physically exhausted from the emotions. i stayed up until 5am last night waiting for john, then we got up and went to church. afterwards there was a thanksgiving dinner event, so we didn't get home until after 3pm. and then i slept until 10. 7 hours. my "nap" was longer than my actual night's sleep. just like last week, i slept until it was dark again.

i just love that church. when i am rationally thinking, i can acknowledge how much they've done for us, to get us through this horrible time. my mom read my entry last week and said that i was being too angry and mean. she's still my mom; when you recognize that your child is being mean, you tell them to stop. she said people will react better to sadness than to anger. but im not speaking from my mind here. i know my thoughts are irrational sometimes (like thinking no one cares anymore.) i'm speaking from my heart, and my heart is hurting right now. i'm not trying to make excuses, and i dont think i should have to, but i just simply cant help how i feel. i cant say this enough: it's no wonder im exhausted, for all the things im feeling and thinking, all the time. i dont ever get a break from my grief.

today my pastor preached about how to be thankful when times are hard. simply, he said you just have to be thankful all the time. not that you have to be thankful FOR what's happening. no person would ever be thankful that their baby died or that they had cancer, but you can still find something to be thankful for. personally, im thankful for my family.. and for that church and his preaching, just to mention 2. there are more in there.. but so often my prayer to God is that i'm sorry i find it hard to be thankful and happy about any blessings, since im so desperate for that blessing i lost. i know my pastor loves me though, because he said it :) during the sermon, he said that someone who's suffering a terrible tragedy came to see him this week, and that he told her (that's me) that God never wastes an experience, and that she doesnt like it right now, but more will come of this.. she'll be a better and stronger person and she'll be able to help someone later.

he doesnt think that's the reason it happened though, so please dont take it there. we believe this was just a terrible thing that happened to our family, and we accept that we just dont know why it happened. please dont presume to know what God wanted for my life or for Kathlyn's. we'll just find out later. the only thing we know that God wanted for us, was to live forever with Him. we know that because the bible says it. it's that simple. my pastor is right though. i don't like it. not at all. i want my baby. how dare God or anyone think that He needed her more than i did. i might be strong, but i'm not brave. i dont want to do this. i would rather have a different ministry. but thank you jimmy, and the rest of my church, especially my rock group, for being there and for reminding me that i'm not alone in this. almost like a right of passage, i know im officially part of this church if i get mentioned in the message :)

is that better, Mom?

i cried a few tears into my thanksgiving dinner. when we were in line for the food, we stood together as a rock group, and baby kylie's family was next to us, and people kept coming up to her to say hello and coo at her, and tell her parents how cute she is. and wow, she is so cute. she's got a cold right now, but she stays so sweet and happy and smiling all the time. it just broke my heart with every comment and compliment, because imagine the attention we would get with TWO babies together in line. people came up to kylie while we were sitting, too. we would have just been the center of attention with those two sweet little girls at the table. i just wanted to turn to every one of kylie's admirers and say "my baby was beautiful too!" instead, i cried.

exhausting. so exhausting.

i have to add though... kylie was wearing one of kathlyn's sleepers today. i dont know if her parents did that on purpose.. maybe she wears it all the time, because it fits her just perfectly right now. either way, i love that she was wearing it. it made me feel like part of kathlyn was there with us for our thanksgiving. john and i are both working thursday, so really, that was it for us. we're pretty much skipping the holidays anyway. but i told anyone who would listen "that was kathlyn's!" thank you for that, to her parents. if it was purposeful, thank you. if it wasn't, that's wonderful too, because i love coincidences, any and all. i asked christina not to take a picture of john and me, because the picture of us at the last rock group event, i look so sad, and i dont want to see that again. but she snuck a picture of me with kylie. kylie in kathlyn's sleeper. honestly, i can't wait to see it.


last night when john got home, i was in a relatively good mood. i had earlier been at the mommies group, and it was nice to see them, and i had just started my "blocks" memorial. i sat next to him at the table on one of our benches, and he was having something to eat. he felt crowded... if you've met us, you know, we arent small people. so we dont fit on the benches that well, so he said "you're all in my space here." he just likes to eat quickly when he gets home and then go to bed. so i said "my space? no, i dont have myspace." and he just looked at me because i'm lame, i know. (told you, karen! just wait, it gets way worse. so corny, just like my daddy.) i picked up a little photo book, one that has pictures of our daughter in it, no less, and placed it on my cheek. and held it there. he looked at me confused, and i started laughing. i said "you dont get it?" and he said. "i get the myspace thing. but i dont know why you have a book on your face." and then he paused. and said "oh. facebook, ok." and i erupted into hysterical laughter that lasted about 2 minutes. it doesnt sound like long, but time 2 minutes right now. it IS long. and you know, hysterical laughter and sobbing are not opposites. they are just two ends of the emotional spectrum. my laughter turned into sobs eventually, and i let out a hefty sigh and said "oh, i just want that baby." john said "i know." it was short lived, the sobbing. it is what it is. we went to bed shortly after.

i miss laughing.

exhausting. simply exhausting.