well then. i got a text message from john at our doctor's office that he has swine flu. and i just got the much awaited shot yesterday. probably too late. fantastic.
my first reaction was hysterical laughter. and i just laughed again when i wrote that. seriously, i am so messed up. my second reaction was the thought "well, kathlyn was doomed anyway." if she had survived the (un)safety of my womb, she probably would have died when she caught swine flu or some other baby killer i brought home from work. there you go, all of you in the "everything happens for a reason" camp.. she died inside of me to avoid a miserable death from the swine flu at 3 months old. which would have caused us to feel horrible blame for killing her. oh, wait. i already feel responsible for it. nevermind.
i really dont know how im going to survive this debilitating anxiety if i ever do get to bring a child home. i will probably swim in bleach in the garage before i come near them.
kathlyn's death is so, so terrible in so many more ways than you could even imagine for me. i just LAUGHED when my dear husband told me he has swine flu. serious, serious problems.
i hate the universe.
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I agree. The anxiety is the worst. And, mine was already pretty bad before I lost Ella. I hope you can avoid getting the swine flu. I got the vaccine too. But, I told my husband if he gets it, he's going to a hotel.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way when I hear the news on TV. I keep thinking if AKul were here, he woudl not have survived teh swine flu and frankly, I do not care if I do. Are we all baby lost moms crazy?
ReplyDeleteWell, I must say as we've all been so sick with the flu this week I've been thinking about whether I'll be one of the rare cases to go. It's weird. I was awake this morning around 4 a.m. thinking wow, I could be reunited with our George. Then feeling guilty because I'd miss the other children. Honestly, I think some days I'm cracking up. Feels so much better to know I'm not alone. Hope your sweetie is on the mend soon, Beth. (((Hugs)))
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