raw truth

i could feel it coming all day. i was going to lose it.

This mother, who lost her 6 day old baby Cora unexpectedly just 3 weeks ago, wrote how she steadied herself for a breakdown of epic proportions on Christmas that never came. i felt that way too. i cried some after getting the ticket, and i know that affected me greatly because i keep going back to it, but it wasn't a meltdown. it wasn't epic. not until today.

i just feel like my life is ruined. it will never be ok. if i have another baby, it still wont be ok. if i have another girl, they will be cheated out of sisterhood. if i have a boy, i will be cheated out of that - "if we have one boy and one girl, we have the perfect family, and wont have to have any more, the rest are bonuses!" - feeling.

i'd been looking forward to this week. 4 days off with my husband for our anniversary. but 2 of the past 3 days, i have slept ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. i just cant think of a single thing that i would enjoy doing with my husband. biltmore is too expensive. hiking is too cold. dinner and a movie, same old thing. im over it. I. WANT. MY. BABY. that is my raw truth. i want my baby. and i cant have her.

it is such a hepless feeling to be crying that hard and to know that it's never going to work itself out. i felt helpless, im sure john felt helpless. i kept saying "it's ruined, it's ruined, im sorry john, im sorry, it will never be ok, not ever." i just wanted to sleep. i begged him to keep the door open if i fell asleep and he left the room. i dont want him to be far away. he says i didnt, but i know i ruined his day. he just played madden football all day. he says i didnt ruin his life either, but he's lying. even if only to himself, he's lying. i dont think he enjoys much of anything anymore either. ruined. this week should have been different. "no thank you, we dont need a babysitter. katie's coming to our anniversary dinner with us." i just wanted to hold her. i said it through my entire pregnancy. i didnt want to let anyone else hold her. she's mine. i want her. i've been waiting my whole life for her. what am i going to do without her now?? cry, scream, sleep. ruined.

holding it in, then letting it out.. so exhausting. i slept 11 hours, and that was after a full night's sleep last night. i woke up starving and thirsty. my lungs feel stale, like pneumonia is settling in. i find my desperate need to pour it out in writing to be a good sign. im still feeling something other than despair, the need to be heard.

thanks for listening. i'm going back to bed.