wondering

i wonder what it feels like:

to hear my own child cry,
and be able to comfort her.

to breast feed.

to use a breast pump.

to get up for the 17th time in the night.

or, to just not sleep at all,
because my child needs me.

to carry a heavy carseat,
8 grocery bags, a diaper bag, a purse,
and fumble for the keys,
without dropping anything,
because i only want to make one trip
and not leave my baby alone in the process,
not even alone on the kitchen floor of the house,
still strapped safely into the carseat, because she will cry
when i walk back out,
to get the 8 grocery bags,
diaper bag, and purse.

or, to not care when my baby cries because i walked back outside,
to get said things,
because hearing my child cry,
is something i've never experienced.

to carry a diaper bag, period.

to have a real contraction.

to deliver a baby vaginally.

to deliver a baby and smile in the process.

to be pregnant a 2nd time.

to plan a birthday party for my child.

to change a diaper without gloves.
(and not mind.)

to do my baby's laundry.
that is, to wash her things more than once,
because they are actually dirty.

to take my child to the pediatrician.

to cry with my child during her immunizations.

to lift my child out of a crib, high chair, swing,
bouncy seat, car seat.

or, put her in those things.

to take a photograph of my child.

to show photographs of my child,
without worrying that it might be
awkward for someone.

to let someone else hold my child,
and watch that person fawn over her,
but want her back in my own arms.

to buy christmas presents for my child,
and have people not think it's strange.


i don't have to wonder what it feels like:

to get ALL the sleep your body needs after having a baby.

to plan my child's funeral.

to feel worried everywhere i go that things could go awry and get very awkward.

to expect to cry every day of my life.

to wish i had someone else's problems.

to realize who my real friends are..
and to realize i have more than i thought i did.