sleep

sometimes when im sleeping during a particularly hard time, i dream that im single and going through a break up. i think it's part of feeling alone and vulnerable. ive always done this, not just since my recent loss. it doesnt happen every time, but tonight, it did.

i slept a lot today. i slept 13 hours, got up for church group, cried through most of it, and came home and slept some more on the couch. i was dreaming that i was at a friend's house, it was vague.. maybe church group again, and i came home and emailed john to tell him merry christmas, i miss you, please come back to me. which is basically the same letter i wrote to katie last night.

so i woke up to the sound of john doing dishes in the kitchen, and i felt relieved. it was just a dream. john is still with me. relieved. and then reality hit me.

my baby's still dead.

for one second... sweet relief.

i hope these dreams dont start coming back regularly, because sleep itself is supposed to be my relief. sleep cant become hard work now too. and crying at church group is difficult too. i know it's one of my safe places.. they don't mind if i cry. i'm sure it hurts them, but they'll let me do it as often and for as long as i need to. but the fellowship is supposed to be my relief too. and it's definitely john's relief, so i cant be ruining that for him all the time now.

dreaming of being alone. crying at my safe place. my missing baby. so much heartache.

where will i go for relief?