she's at home

when i was pregnant, i watched a show on baby tigers. i remember the show saying that baby tigers sleep 12 hours so that they can grow and get all their energy back, but that adult male tigers sleep 18 hours because they weigh so much, and they work so hard stalking and killing their prey. i remember thinking 18 HOURS! i wish i had time to sleep that long! im tired too! and then that night, i slept 14. i've been doing that so often now too. grief is such hard work, it takes so much out of me, i need that revival time, and it's also a nice break from all the painful emotions.

i just broke my record, and slept a whopping SEVENTEEN hours.

for good reason though.. i was awake for 23.5 hours before that. i worked saturday night, 7p-7a, then i stayed up to go to church at 9:30. when i arrived there at 9, i immediately heard the terrible news: one of our church members earlier that morning lost his 8 year battle with cancer. 8 years ago, he was given 18 months at most to live. he has fought the return of his brain tumors time after time after time again. he is a family man, leaving behind a wonderful loving wife and two fantastic teenage children, a son and a daughter. he was (is!) one of our lead pastor's very dearest friends. so as you can imagine, this altered the morning's message a little bit. he talked to much about pain and loss and "other families in this church who are hurting" and i know he's talking about us, among others. i ended up staying for the 11am service too. the message was just *that* good, worth hearing twice, but i also wanted to see the rest of my rock group, and after the 11am service there was a meeting on our church building plans that we didnt want to miss. ive never stayed for both services before.. i am amazed how jimmy can preach almost word for word, twice in a row. he really prepares himself for what he wants to say. he so eloquently said, when talking about what a hard year it's been for this church and for this country, how people have been losing their jobs, or maybe this year that your relationship fell apart, or maybe this year "your planted your hopes and dreams in a cemetary" causing himself and me to choke up at that statement both times.

after the meeting about the building, we stayed even longer to help tear down the equipment (that takes a LONG time, that's why we really need an actual church!) john kept telling me to go on home and go to sleep, but i knew everyone was so hungry because church went over, and as long as i was still awake, i wanted to stay and go for lunch too. i kept saying it's already been 21 hours, i might as well stay up longer and eat!

so we went out to lunch, and it became a joke that i might as well stay awake for 24 hours, just so that i can say that i did. there were 8 of us from rock group, plus baby kylie. it takes a long time to get through lunch with that big of a group. and the little waitress was asking if we were "together or separate" in paying the bill, naturally. so we pointed out who was with who. of course, everyone that comes to the table to help and refill drinks just has to comment on that sweet little baby and much like at the thanksgiving at church, i longed for a second baby at the table. i just miss her so much. i cant stand it. it's just not fair. and i cant help but tell people. i know it makes some people uncomfortable, they dont know what to say. but I MISS HER SO MUCH! all you have to say is ... "i know you do..." and just understand.. i have to say it. i can't not say it. i miss her so much.

so when the bills came, the waitress had written something on each receipt to tell her who's was who's. i saw on kylie's parents bill, it said "couple with the baby girl."

this is why sometimes i wear one of kathlyn's pink pacifiers. because otherwise, there is no indication that i have a daughter. we're still a "couple with a baby girl" too. but instead our receipt said "black jacket/green sweater". no no, you dont understand, we're the couple with the baby girl too, she just doesnt come with us. im not lying when i say... actually, she's at home with her granddad.