December 10, 2008

last year on December 10 was the day I found out I was pregnant. looking back to November, there were signs that I was pregnant, I just didnt know it at the time... such as: a bloody nose (NEVER had one in my life before then and never again since), being so tired at the grocery store with john that i couldnt even stand (had to go lay in the truck until he finished), and an aversion to diet coke.. i never dont want diet coke or any soda for that matter.. it is my vice.. but the first trimester i had absolutely no interest in it. so when I took the positive pregnancy test, I had a few "ohhhh, so THAT'S why" moments.

last year, December 10 was a Wednesday. I called my doctor's office and made an appointment to be seen on Friday, December 12, when I had my first ultrasound, which confirmed that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. my due date was set for Friday, August 7, 34 weeks later. and so now officially starts a difficult year of "one year since ____ happened."

"The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart."

..except that i think we've safely established that i dont keep anything to myself in silence. that is a quote from one of the books i'm reading called "how will i get through the holidays?" there are a lot of nice quotes in that book, from various writers and poets who have been through hard times. i am tempted as a read each one to share them here, but there are too many to do that. but i liked that one in particular because i am aware of so many little secret anniversaries... days that for anyone else might just fade away. but my pregnancy is the only time i have wtih my daughter, so the days become even more important. lucky for me, im amazing at remembering dates... my memory is photographic with that stuff. so all of these little anniversaries will be so vivid for me. i am reminded of something i said in what is probably my favorite entry i've ever written... called "ride", written on September 2nd.

it would have been nice to write her name at the park on August 30th, her one month birthday,[instead of Sept 1]. maybe september 1st would have been one month from the day we were suppossed to bring her home. i dont know.. it doesnt really matter. the days without significance or reason to celebrate are perhaps the very most significant. they represent the days that mean nothing other than that your child is still alive.. came home alive and is surviving. growing faster than you want, loving you and being loved by you, driving you insane, worrying you, making you proud, getting yelled at by you, giving you reason to get out of bed. the days without significance or celebration are the very days you take for granted. so celebrate that you still have your child with you even if september 1st, september 2nd, or whenever dont carry a special meaning.


i wish december 10 carried even more meaning. i wish december 10 was the day i had a positive pregnancy test AND THEN WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR AN ULTRASOUND, CONFIRMING THAT I WAS 6 WEEKS PREGNANT. ahhhh. 6 weeks pregnant on December 10, instead of 6 weeks on December 12. which would have made my due date WEDNESDAY, August *5th*, not the 7th. which would have meant i was 39 weeks on WEDNESDAY, July 29, instead of Friday, July 31. which means my scheduled c-section at 39 weeks would have fallen on that day, July 29. WHEN KATHLYN WAS STILL ALIVE. insert the profanity of your choice right here.

there are just so many near misses, it makes me sick. SICK. i want my baby. she was perfect, healthy, beautiful, mine. she died for absolutely no reason. no... fucking... reason...

i really wish people would be mindful of the things they say to a grieving mother. i had a terrible experience with this earlier this week. it is still regularly coming to mind and bothering me 3 days later. no matter the dumb and insensitive things people say, someone will always come along with something dumber and even less sensitve. seriously. and what sucks is that when things like this happen and i talk about how hurt i am by it, that makes the well-intentioned, kind, yet nervous supporters of mine decide it is better to say nothing at all, and then i just feel neglected. these arrogant people who say those dumb things ruin it for someone who might have had something really nice to say, but was too nervous to say it. what a horrible, vicious cycle.

even without those arrogant dumbass comments that make it hard to believe i'm not bleeding to death from the tongue, this would still be such a hard month. i just miss my baby so much, i can't stand it. i want to hold her. it helps when i hold my friends' babies or take care of the babies at work, but it's not enough. i want to hold MY baby. i can try to close my eyes and pretend, but i cant fool my heart. and even when i have another baby, i know i will be able to feel joy again, but not my Kathlyn Joy. ive said it before.. i want another baby but i want the one i already had... i want them both. and everyone tells me not to worry, this "hardly ever happens twice" but there is no one short of Jesus Himself who can tell me that for sure, and i'm not expecting a post-it note that says "it will be ok this time" from Him anytime soon. so i'm just gonna dive right in, head first, whether there's water in the pool or not, i'm going for it. eyes wide shut. pray for me.

18 minutes until December 10. one year since i've known i was a mother. and im learning the hard way that raising a crying baby in your home does not a mother make.