2009 in review

as i walked out briskly
after a long night of work
down the long halls towards my car
eager to breathe the outside air of a new year
i remembered a time
when i couldnt walk quite as fast
through those halls
because my baby was inside me.
quick to say goodbye to the year of black clouds and nightmares..
but how can i?
2009 was kathlyn's year..

as i scroll through briskly
past update
after update
after update
after update
platitudes of good tidings,
praising the past year,
with the occassional
"Thank God that's over"
shared sentiment of mine...
i wonder.
i wonder how many
thought of me
and my daughter
when they reflected on their blessings.
when they decided 2009 was a good year.
i wonder.
i wonder how many
thought of me
and my daughter
when they prayed for hope
for 2010 to be great.
i wonder.
i wonder how many
thought of me
and my daughter
when they decided 2009 was crappy.
misery loves company.

i would like to tie january 1, 2009
through
july 29, 2009
into a pretty little bow
and call it
the best year of my life.
i would like to take july 31, 2009
through december 29, 2009
to a chainsaw.
i would like to relive july 30, 2009
as many times as it takes
to save my baby.
i would like to put it in a strange vault
as the best and worst day of my life.
the day i held her perfect body.
saw her beautiful face.
kissed her.
and said goodbye
after 4 hours.
i would like to find that december 30, 2009
my 3rd wedding anniversary
is the day i conceived my new hopes and dreams for 2010.
december 31, 2009
is what's left.
the last day of the year of black clouds and nightmares and heaven.
kathlyn's year.