pattern

i'm starting to see a pattern here. let's review.

i've wanted a baby all my life. exhibit A:
December 25, 1981, Age 1.



there is another picture from this day, where i'm holding the baby behind the crib, with my own paci in my mouth. i've spoken of this picture before. it's the one where i say "i've wanted a baby since i was a baby."

so, i was one day away from having my lifelong dream baby, and in a flash, it was taken away. for no reason.

i search and search for the medical reason. i know there's no worldly reason (warning, DO NOT argue with me, it won't be pretty), but medically, i wish there was, so i could prevent it from happening again.

my father was taken away from me in a flash too. we do have a medical reason for that one, so my brothers and i will do our best to prevent it from happening to us, but the medical reason doesn't make his death any easier. having a medical reason for kathlyn's death wouldn't soften the blow of my grief. i just feel it would save her siblings, and a little of my sanity during subsequent pregnancies.

my father was a total sports guy. he had two sons to follow him with that passion. he eventually turned my mother into a big sports fan too. but i was his one and only daughter, and aside from everything sports, he wanted nothing more than to walk me down the aisle and give me away, something he said would be his proudest moment.

hmmm. nope! not gonna happen. sorry.

so yesterday, i wrote about how my pain had subsided. i felt that i was safe because it had been over 36 hours.

just short of the 48 hour mark, it was back. i quickly took a pharmacy's worth of medication and drew another hot bath, which relieved the worst of it quickly, and it was entirely gone within 2 hours. phew. gonna get some sleep.

6am, i shot up in bed. has it been long enough since i took the last round of meds? whatever, close enough. back in the bath, completely scorched from the heat. i had to bring a fan in to blow onto my face. the bath wasn't working quite as well, so i got back in bed with a heating pad, and just decided to bear it. i think i was asleep by 8.

is it even worth calling the doctor? so i can go in, shovel out another $40 copay, and have them tell me "it will pass"? i'm still mad at them for not letting me stay overnight at the hospital.

do you see a pattern here? when you think it can't get worse, it always can. or maybe this is supposed to be relief from the emotional agony of mourning my daughter. the return of the physical pain to forget my grief again.

i've had it, i've just completely had it. with all of it. i need a serious break from any and all kinds of pain.

why dont you tell me the desires of your heart. and i will hope and pray and write about the exact polar opposite for you. and then it will come true.