no relief

well, i think the pain from my procedure has finally subsided. i am still a little sore and completely frazzled and exhausted from the entire experience, but it has now been well over 36 hours since my last excruciating spasm. i have come across a few people who have experienced both childbirth contractions and kidney stones, and every last one of them says that the kidney stones were worse. serves me right for saying i never have, and probably never will, have a contraction. the universe took advantage of that and said "well then, i'll show you! 4 kidney stones coming right up!"


lots of medical info coming up: as most of my readers have had and/or lost a baby, or are medical professionals, i'm figuring this won't be "too much". i have been saying for weeks now, i dont know how i could possibly have any modesty left anyway.

I had my outpatient surgery on Tuesday at the hospital under general anesthesia.. the procedure went fine, there's nothing wrong in my bladder (no polyps or tumors as possibly suspected), and he got 4 kidney stones out of the left, and both sides had formations on the walls that could become stones, but scraping them off would just cause a lot of bleeding. They may never turn into anything, they could just absorb, or pass quietly since they are so small. I had a stent from my urethra, to ureters, to kidney, to drain any remaining particles left. It was supposed to be removed in the office on Thurs, but a little piece of it came out on it's own at home, so the on-call urologist (of course I always have issues after hours) said to just pull it because at that point, it was past my urethral spincter and I was completely incontinent (read: peeing myself out of my control, how's that for modesty?). his words were "you're going to feel a lot better after it's out."


well, not so much. an hour later, i was in the most excruciating pain. i was on the floor, writhing, i couldnt sit, couldnt stand, nothing was relieving it. we spent lots of time on the phone with the doctor figuring out what meds to take, trying a hot bath, and if nothing worked, he'd meet us at the hospital. it finally subsided on a double dose of hydrocodone and a bath so hot, i think i burned the top layer of skin off my body.

the next day, thursday, i went to my appointment intended to remove the stent (already took care of that myself, i should send THEM a bill) and instead it became another attempt at excruciating pain relief, as a spasm was staring just as we arrived at the office. they gave me a shot of toradol (an anti-inflamatory) and an oral dose of demerol, which they say is the strongest oral med available. they also set me up with IV fluids right there in the office. saved me a trip to the ER, so that was great.

Friday I was feeling better and trying to come off the demerol and hydrocodone, since they are both narcotics, so I could start to feel less dizzy from them and be able to drive to work Saturday night. well, that was entirely too ambitious...

about 6pm, my pain started to get a lot worse. the meds weren't helping, and neither was a hot bath. both of which those things have helped before. so we called the urologist back, and decided to go to the ER because it was totally excruciating and not letting up. so, when i had blood in my urine during the last visit to the ER, that could be life threatening, so i went straight to the back. this time, i had to wait, slouched over in a wheelchair, for over an hour. it was miserable. finally when i went back, they gave me dilaudid.. which is stronger than morphine, and that eased the pain after 3 doses.. they were going to send me home, and i asked if i could stay for fluids all night, and pain medicine readily available, so i dont have to come back and sit in the ER like that again. i gave my whole tearful story of the past year and how im just so overwhelmed and wearing out very quickly. they still wouldnt let me stay, and so i completely lost it :( i just KNEW that doctor wasnt going to give a shit about me, she doesnt know me and really doesnt care about me. john and i even considered going back to the behavioral health ER because i am just at my wits end with everything. the ER doctor suggested i take ibuprofen. seriously?! ibuprofen?! you just gave me something stronger than morphine and you think ibuprofen is going to help me!? where did you get your medical degree, a closet?? still to this moment i cannot believe they didn't let me stay overnight to clear out my system with IV fluid and have immediate pain relief. stupid ER doctors are trained to put a bandaid on the problem and shove the patient back out the door. im a nurse too, im depressed, not stupid. im not making this up. we didnt rush to the ER the second a little twinge occurred (and trust me, that happened A LOT), this was VERY SERIOUS pain, and we waited until all other intervenions failed at home before we utilized the hospital. i have spent every single weekend so far in 2010 in an emergency room. enough is enough.

and poor john. he is exhausted, but he couldnt sleep when we got home. he was so wound up. how many times can he helplessly watch me suffer like this? between the physical pain and the emotional breakdowns, he's losing his mind. so, my mom is going to come back and stay for awhile. she can share in the emotional help, drive me to my appointments, cook, clean, and just be a support for both of us, especially when i do my week-long extensive grief and depression therapy at the hospital, including the resources towards getting long-term help. we have high hopes that this will help me work through some of my deepest grief, but im sure it will be extremely emotionally draining and john can't handle that all on his own, especially the nights he has to work. it's better for her to be here so i dont have to be home alone after such difficult days. no matter how old i get (and im aging exponentially here) my mom will always come save me. i can't help but relate that back to my own loss. i wanted to have a daughter to come to the rescue for, too.

and so, with the physical pain behind me, what is left..? welcome back, square one. even with the physical pain being so unbearable and the hopes that it wont ever, ever come back, i still much prefer it to losing my child. the physical pain has a definite end. for a few days there, it was actually my biggest problem, instead of my grief. i always think of kathlyn, of course, but in those moments of physical agony, my priority was just fighting the pain. now that it's over, i feel absolutely no relief from the trials of my life as a bereaved mother. i'm about to get some more of the help i desperately need with the short and long term therapy, with the hope that i'll work through some of the pain and learn some better coping skills, but in the end.. it will still never, ever be ok. kathlyn will always be gone. i believe i'll be pregnant again, once or twice. i believe i will raise biological and perhaps adopted children. but losing a child is never ok. never. no relief. not on this earth, not until my own death reunites us. i just miss her so much, my whole body misses her. my body is literally turning into stone. first the kidneys, and i'm quite sure my heart is next.