build me up

Today was a short day.. mostly the focus today was on the 2 people who were having their last day. There is no definite start or end to this program.. you start and finish whenever you need to, so people come and go all the time. When it's someone's last day, we do affirmations, go around the room and tell the person something encouraging and/or how they inspired or helped you.

Both of the people leaving also wanted to say something back to everyone. I don't know if it means anything really, but they both saved me for last. I will go ahead and take that as a compliment. If it makes me feel loved, why not, right?

I'm feeling extremely self indulgant right now. Not that everything I write isn't that way, but the reason for it right now is that I'm respecting the privacy of the others, as required. I had some very nice things to say to them too, that they appreciated, because they both helped me in their own ways, but I can't and won't share.

The first person was so sweet.. she turned to me and started with "Beth, my sweet Beth.." She had already told me on earlier days that I inspired her to spend more time with her children and she thought of me all weekend. This time, she said even though I don't feel like it, that I'm a great mother, that I was a mother before I even conceived Kathlyn because I chose to be "a surrogate mother to all those babies [I] take care of in the hospital." She said she hopes she never has to take her children there, but if she does, she always hopes for doctors and nurses like me. She also said she is so sorry my baby died, but in spite of that, she is grateful to have met me.

Wow... how could I not be built up by that? I've known this person for 1 week! It's just really fast.. you feel like you've known them so much longer because it's like.. "welcome, here's all my deepest darkest shit spread right here on the table, have a seat."

The second person said that I had touched her "more than anyone else within these walls" and that is a bold thing to say right in front of everyone else in the group including the two main counselors. She said how of course she loved her son, but she didn't even know something so terrible could happen like what happened to me (losing a baby at full term pregnancy), and she knows now that she was taking her child for granted because anything could happen at any moment. She feels strongly about having another child that.. "it's gonna happen!" She assured me (since I've said how it's my main concern) that she knows I will never let go of Kathlyn and that I shouldn't worry that I am. She said "even *I* will never forget her, and I didn't even know her."

Wow again.. just wow. Build me up..


After the group ended, I went back over to Kindermourn to give my main counselor over there an update. I'm going to be seeing her much more often for long term, as "prescribed" by the program doctor. There's no reason to use any other counselor since they are the experts on child grief. That woman really, really cares about me. People always say "it takes a special person to be a pediatric nurse" but wow, it takes a special person to be a counselor solely for grieving parents. I don't know how she just listens all day, listens to these stories about the babylost, all day every day. She knows EXACTLY what to say, when to say it, and when to say absolutely nothing. Why I haven't been seeing her once a week for the past six months is beyond me. I told her maybe it wouldn't have come to where it did, had I been doing that. She just says "it doesn't matter, it is what it is, we're fixing it now." She is kind, sensitive, sensible, with no frills and no BS. Let go of what doesn't matter, and grieve the baby like you're gonna have to. It's the same philosophy I have mentioned many times, "the only way to get through it is just to get through it." I also have her home phone number and she said for me to call her ANY time. Even when she's not the on call emergency person. She called me from home the night of "the crisis." She had been paged, and she told me today that she chose not to block her number before she called me for a reason... she wants to be reachable to me.

For the third time, wow. This is not just a job to her. Caring for people, wanting them to feel better, it's her lifestyle.

"I am the luckiest unlucky person I know."

6 months ago right now, I was a very happy and excited person about to venture into my new life, mothering my baby.

It's snowing here in NC. This doesn't happen very often; less than once a season. My mom and I will be stuck in the house all day tomorrow, and that's ok, I need to rest. We'll make some cookies and hot chocolate (sounds nice, I'd rather have my baby.) We wanted to go out tonight while we had the chance. I wanted to see if I could find something to buy for Kathlyn for her half birthday, even if just some pink flowers. I didn't have to do that because my very good friend for the 5th time (I've lost count) sent me flowers. I'm pretty sure she did this for the 6 month mark, but she didn't mention it on the card, so I don't know. If she sent them for no reason, that's awesome too.

You might remember that 5 months was our wedding anniversary, and I bought those sweet little magnet letters to spell out Kathlyn. I think I will be run out of my own house and home if I buy something for Kathlyn at every milestone.. we'll simply run out of room. There is already valentine's day things out, and I want to buy her something. Maybe next year this urge will soften.. if I buy something for her for her first valentine's day, I can just put it out every year, kinda like the christmas stockings, to honor her for each holiday. At least if we make cookies to spell out her name or buy flowers on the milestones, we won't have thousands of mementos everywhere, just memories and traditions.

So we found some chocolate covered pretzels, but they were pink.. so maybe strawberry yogurt covered? Doesn't matter to me, anything pink is comforting. And I bought John some pink and green (his favorite color) jellybeans as a treat for when he gets home tonight.

But I couldn't help myself .. There are also tons of angel items and other personalized "K" jewelry, purses, stationary, and other mementos that are hard to resist. They had necklaces with letter charms that had a little angel attached to the letter. They didn't have the "K", otherwise I would have definitely bought that. I ended up buying a sweet little music box that has pink writing and dragonflies (my mom's and my favorite) and says "Dear Daughter, you're always in my mind, even when we're apart.. remember, you are my sunshine, you're so dear to my heart, love always."