the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful

i feel like i'm repeating myself with the following sentence.

i've had a rough week.

2010 has started out on a difficult path, and it only took 2 days to do so.

i hesitated to write about this. which is unlike me, normally ive been writing about everything that happens to me the instant i can get my fingers to a keyboard. i guess im being a little shy. i dont really know how i could possibly have any modesty left, but if you're sensitive to gore at all, you might not want to read this one. i guess i assume that anyone who's had a baby or seen their wife have a baby probably wouldnt be bothered by this in the least. and if you're one of my readers, you've seen some pretty serious stuff already anyway and a whole lot of f-bombs. my mother and my pastors' wives read this blog for crying out loud. my pastor's mother too. it's literally everyone and their mother. so when i drop those f-bombs, im not doing it lightly. it just shows how truly rocked and traumatized i am. i dont really know why what im about to write would bother anyone more than reading all those curse words, and about [inherent pause.. consider using euphamism.. the truth tells it all.. you can do this... 1 2 3 go..] a dead baby.

it's no secret that john and i are trying again. so on saturday night, i decided, out of curiosity because he's not home to do anything about it anyway, to take an ovulation test, which requires me to pee into a cup. so you can imagine the horror when what came into the cup was pure blood.

for one second, i was thrilled. im bleeding! maybe im implanting and im pregnant! but upon further investigation, i figured out this was coming from my urine, not anywhere else. needless to say, i lost my mind.

i called my OBGYN's office and the on call doctor who called me back was the one who was with me when we found out kathlyn had died, and she also delivered her later that night. we definitely have a heartbreaking bond, or maybe more accurately, a heartstopping, unbreakable bond now. my name is generic, but when i say "it's beth davis", she knows exactly who i am, even as large as their practice is. i told her what was going on and she said "beth, to be frank, that's not good." i could hear the empathy and concern in her voice. ive said so many times before.. those doctors are made of gold. so she recommeded i be seen that night, so i went to the emergency room, and miraculously, only had to wait about 2 minutes to be taken to the back.

rewind. to 5 months ago, almost to the day. this was january 2. on august 1, i was rolled thru this same emergency room hallway to exit the hospital with empty arms. new mothers are supposed to be exited through a different door with their newborns. but i had asked my nurse if there was a lot of newborn traffic in the hallways, as mothers are encourged to walk with their babies after giving birth. the nurse said "hm, let me check." john only left my room once those 3 days, to get himself a drink. he heard a baby crying, and it shook him to the core. he never left the room again. so i knew i would not want to be faced with a new mother and her baby, born within the same hours as mine, except screaming and crying. so i assume that my nurse found such traffic in the halls when she checked, so they "illegally" wheeled me out through the back elevators and through the emergency room to exit. no carseat, no diaper bag, no baby. just me and my husband and a handful of flowers.

so after a cath, bloodwork with 4 sticks for an IV (redemption from those poor babies i stick), and a CT scan, i have an inflamed bladder and a kidney stone that may or may not ever pass. we can sigh relief that it's nothing more serious, but really... you have got to be freaking kidding me. enough is enough. when will this end?! apparently, not with 2009.

im seeing a urologist tomorrow as well as my OB, an appointment that was already in place before saturday night's events. i hope to get my questions answered, and i hope i'm not told this will delay my efforts to conceive my second child. i dont want to be told i have to wait any longer. if one more person tells me they think maybe i'm not ready, i will melt into a puddle. puddles dont conceive babies, unlike every schmuck who cant remember to put on a condom. im supposed to have a 5 month old right now. im damn well ready.

enter the uplifting paragraphs.

on my way to the hospital, john driving the other direction to meet me there from work, on duty and in full uniform, i called a friend from my bible group who i had considered earlier in the week having dinner with on this night. turns out, she was at a basketball game and apologized for not calling me. i said "well, im sorry, im about to ruin your night" and told her the story. she said she would come to the hospital if i wanted her to, and i said it was ok because john would be there, and she said to call her if anything changed. 5 minutes later, she called back and said "im coming. i'll see you there." my pastor and his wife also ended up coming, and another member of the bible group called john while we were there to check on us. the support we have from that church is just completely tireless. im repeating myself again, stolen from a fellow bereaved parent of a newborn.. i am the luckiest unlucky girl i know. once we knew i wasnt exploding from the insides and not going to die (forefront of our minds now, you see), john decided to go back to work because they were short staffed. he's such an honorable man, also with tireless support for the fraternity in blue. but he would never have left if my friend wasnt there. i stayed in my room until the full bag of IV fluids were finished, because i was so dehydrated. my friend and i chatted. she said that the next time we chat at this hospital, hopefully will be because i have a crying infant in my arms. and that i can exit out the correct door.

i got home around 2am and fell almost instantly asleep, but i was too tired to get up for church in the morning. at 4 in the afternoon though, i had another important place to be. i had told my friend that i wouldnt miss it for the world: the 1st birthday party for a gorgeous little boy who died the day after he was born. (little did i know, when i said that, how the universe would let me down again and have me bleeding from a place you're not supposed to bleed from.) i had found the perfect little blue birthday bear, and written a card for the baby and for the mommy. i really wanted them to have it. and i know i'll be having a birthday party for kathlyn in a few months, so i wanted to see how she did the party. she had the sweetest little blue bear wearing her son's blue bib that said "i love my mommy", sitting atop one of his blue handmade knitted blankets, a blue cake with his name written on it, along with cupcakes spelling out "Hampton Tucker." we sang happy birthday to the baby.. i didnt make it all the way through.. i choked up at the last line and as Hampton's Mommy and Daddy blew out his little "1" candle for him. and i know i was crying for Baby Hampton, not Kathlyn. and from what i could tell, his mommy didn't cry. i believe this is because she has since told me that she could feel him with her in that moment, and that is a comforting feeling.

i had a really hard time writing her a comment after the party. nothing sounded right. i lost a baby too and i still feel like i'll say the wrong thing. if only everyone tiptoed around our feelings like we do for each other. i thought about saying that i hope his birthday party was what she hoped it would be.. meaning the right way to honor him, because i know she was wondering what exactly to plan. but i know too well, "the way she hoped it would be" was to have a sweet one year old stumbling around on unsteady 12 month old feet. it's just too cruel to even imagine. and yet, we live it. she said she imagined cake and icing all over his face, high chair, and herself.

december 30, 2008, as i dined at "the melting pot" restaurant on my second wedding anniversary, newly pregnant and talking about baby names, christy's baby hampton was dying. and 1 year ago today, she saw his tiny body for the last time, as he was buried next to his great-grandparents.

i asked kathlyn to give hampton a birthday kiss for me. and when the baby blue skies turn into baby pink clouds reflected by a nightly sunset, i know it's them.