update

i dont know where to start.. i'm empty. and i know usually when i start like that, i end up writing for an hour. but i dont have any insights. im so tired, just so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, very tired. i had a friend tell me the other night that ive been fighting with everything i have, and to just keep fighting. so im fighting. empty, tired, fighting.

i had my outpatient surgery yesterday, so that adds to the physical tiredness. i'm very sore. the cramps and pain i woke up with as i came out of the anesthesia was probably the worst pain i have ever felt... definitely much worse than my c-section, although i'm not sure at the time if i was able to process physical pain because my heart was broken and i was dealing with the shock of my perfectly healthy baby dying out of the blue. slice me open to retrieve her lifeless body, i won't feel a thing, because i died with her that day.

i guess some people would say this physical pain reminds me that i'm still alive. it sucks, physical pain, but i much prefer it to grief. i much prefer it to the racing heart and hyperventilating respirations i experienced all weekend after receiving the news that my bloodwork indicated i did not ovulate. my grief is turning to hopelessness and translating to a physical response. i didnt really cry, my body just raced instead.

when i say i prefer physical pain to grief, what else is unfortunate about that is that the physical pain in my back and abdomen right now do not replace my painful grief. it just adds to it and makes me feel even more tired. the narcotics rid the physical pain but exhaust me in the process. it takes effort to think, and most of my thinking goes straight back to kathlyn. i continue to long for her, and the exhaustion just continues and compounds and i keep fighting and i keep wearing out. it's making me even more fragile and overwhelmed, and i know that's partly why i havent wanted to write as much. i thought about how much i wanted to share and what i've already mentioned about the kidney stones and what i still needed to mention and it just made my head spin. i feel this is a few steps backwards, because that feeling where i cant think straight is how i felt for the first month or so. it's a blur. nothing mattered except sleep, forcing myself to wake up when my supporters came knocking. and they are still knocking. to quote my community of bereaved mothers, i am the luckiest unlucky person i know. i just paused my writing for a few minutes as another one was calling. my pastor discussed in church the importance of having such a tribe: the people you turn to in a crisis. he spoke of the losses our church suffered in 2009, including a family who lost their precious baby girl. my kathlyn is so loved and mourned. my assistant pastor, the leader of my bible group, and his wife, met with john and me on saturday night at the local coffee shop, despite being 3 days away from having a baby. another couple from our group met with us too. it was just what the doctor ordered, literally, as my doctors have told me to lean on my supporters when i feel like im falling. and as always, they delivered. he always says the right things: all of them do. john leans on them too. as john said in his blog in the early days following our loss, when our pastor "speaks from his heart, you had better hold on." i'm holding on. tight. (they did have their baby the same day as my surgery, yesterday. and she shares kathlyn's middle name, JOY. what an honor.) i also met with our lead pastor the day before my surgery, and mentioned to him how i just keep fighting and i feel like i'm wearing out. he asked me to just live for two from now on. live a life for myself, and double for kathlyn. when i feel like i cant do it anymore, just live for one - for her. i carried her for her entire existance, and so i pray to God that she's still inside me in some way, so i can carry her for the rest of mine. please listen to this sentiment borrowed from #22 on my playlist below.

my urologist (so bizarre... since when do i have a urologist? since 2 measly days into 2010) took a scope into my bladder, ureters, and kidneys yesterday to try to find the reason for me to be bleeding in the urine. they did find kidney stones when i went to the emergency department, but since i wasnt having any pain, that probably meant the stones werent moving, so he wanted to make sure the bleeding wasnt coming from anywhere else, such as a tumor or polyp in the bladder. we can sigh a big relief that any kind of cancer or other scary diagnosis is now completely ruled out, but kidney stones? really? my child dying wasnt enough? so he saw 4 stones in the left, and 4 more forming. i'm not sure if he got everything out or just broke them up and they still need to pass through the stent i now have. there was nothing on the right, and im thinking he really dug around looking because my right is so much more sore than the left. i didnt see him after surgery, only john did, and john didnt ask any questions, so i'm unclear on exactly what's in store for me. i should find out tomorrow when he takes out the stent. he's going to test the urine again to see if he can find a cause for the stones. it may or may not be dietary.

my second progesterone test showed that i still didnt ovulate (im remembering to breathe, breathe, just breathe), but the level is rising so that's a good sign. i might just have a long ovulation delay, so i will test a 3rd time on friday. my OB is still so wonderful, i can't say it enough. he believes that intensive therapy for me, in addition to getting pregnant, will be the ticket for me to start to feel better. neither one on their own, but both together will give me back my hope. i am relieved that no matter how deep into depression i fall, which he has seen firsthand in the office and on the phone numerous times, and although he told me he's so concrned for me because he thinks im getting worse, he never asks of me to delay my efforts to conceive. he knows it's not what i want to hear, and he believes that i've earned the right not to have to wait anymore. im ready. im supposed to have a 5 month old right now, so really im beyond ready. he's going to help get me through it. he knows im in the vicious circle right now where i probably cant get pregnant if im this stressed, i cant get my body healthy if im this stressed, but i cant not be this stressed without the hope of having a healthy pregnancy. are you not exhausted just thinking about it? i'm living it. empty at times, tired, fighting.. but fighting for two.