today

after my CT, i came home and tried to take a nap through the pain. the radiologist hasn't read my scan yet, but the tech was saying she thinks there are some fragments remaining. i KNEW that stupid ER doctor was lying when she said i was all clear. i wish they had just let me stay for 24 hours of IV fluid to clear my system.

i got a short nap and got up to go have my assessment with a nurse for the outpatient therapy program. this seemed like a pointless extra step since the psychiatrist at the hospital already reccommended the program for me, but with all the physical pain i've had, i didnt have anything left in me to argue the extra step. they asked some extra questions anyway, so it wasnt as pointless as i thought. the very first thing she said to me was "you look like you dont want to be here..." i know i was nervous... i have some very strong, personal, difficult emotions to share. it's not that easy to open up to someone i dont know and have her write everything im saying down word for word. ironic i guess, because i write down so much of it right here, but this is different. and i told her i was afraid they wouldnt be able to help me, because i dont want to just be told that it's going to be ok. her response to that was "i dont think anyone would ever say that to you."

i also told her i was concerned about missing so much work, that i've already missed so much from the kidney stones, i'm nervous about missing another week. and then she informed me that it's not a week. it's 3 weeks :-/

she said she really thought it would benefit from this program. im nervous about the group activities. it's people i dont know, people who are also struggling with who knows what... i more feel the need for someone professional to talk to one on one. so hopefully it is a mix of both.

she also said that i should start tomorrow. tomorrow! for insurance purposes. they are more likely to pay if you are assessed with the need to start right away. if you can handle a few days at home, you must not really need the therapy. so stupid. because it's already been a week and a half since i was seen by the original psychiatrist who reccommended this for me. whatever. tomorrow it is. i was expecting to work tomorrow and friday, so i had to call my manager. He (and HIS manager too for that matter) is extremely supportive. i was offering to work friday and saturday nights after the therapy to get some hours in and he interrupted me and said "no no, no, i want you to focus on the program and not even THINK about work" so he took me off the schedule and HOPEFULLY there is some sort of medical or personal leave available for me for job protection. the problem is that I took full maternity leave within this rolling year. if it was up to him or his manager, i'd be fine. but we all know what a heartless bitch HR can be and all the ridiculous red-tape in place for people who try to abuse the system. they dont know me or my situation... so who knows what will happen. ive lost so much, i dont want to lose my job too. this is a real concern. but everyone says "just worry about yourself right now"... but worrying about myself includes job security and having an income and not putting all of the finacial obligations on my husband. especially with all the medical bills that are about to start coming in, and the fact that we'll owe on taxes again this year. it just doesnt seem fair. there's got to be some kind of employee retention going for me, too. i just need *something* to go smoothly right.

i was wishing yesterday that today would be a turning point. i've definitely turned some corners today... trying to climb out of this deep valley 2010 has thrown me into.