daughters

i have been catching up on reading my other blogs.. the journeys of all these other mothers after their babies have died. it sounds like a big burden on me.. and it is. i carry the burden of their grief right along with mine. but so many of them are pregnant again, have more children, they have so much hope for finding joy again. one of the mothers said something so beautiful though. she had twin girls.. one of them died, and one survived. she said she tries to find ways to fill the void of the one she lost. but nothing, not even the surviving baby, can do that. she said anything that she tries to use to fill the void in her heart for her daughter just gets swallowed up. and it still hurts.

it's so true. i do so many things to honor kathlyn, but it will never be enough. i can try, but the grief for kathlyn will always swallow the attempts to feel better. try to remember that for me when i have another baby. of course i want another baby, but the new baby is not a replacement. i wanted another baby anyway. i want another baby and i want the one i already had.

a friend of mine is pregnant with her second daughter. and when she announced the 2nd girl, a mutual friend on facebook (someone who has a sister herself) said "a sister! congrats! having a sister is almost a necessity!" yanno.. i never had a sister, but i always wanted one. i survived without a sister. but it's not like i had one and lost her. i just.. never had one. but i feel bad for my future daughters, not getting the chance to grow up with the sister they were meant to have. and i cant imagine the sadness this mother feels, knowing her daughter will grow up without her twin.

i promised i'd write about something more uplifting.

yesterday john and i went to frank liske park for a walk. he was running with pepper (the athletic one) and i walked with deputy (the one with the bad hips, poor guy). i stopped at the playground to write kathlyn's name, as always, she goes everywhere with us. i got deputy to sit next to her name. why yes, he IS very well trained.



when i turned around to step back on the path, i was stopped clear in my tracks by this.



you can't make this stuff up! a purple paci that was behind me the whole time i was taking the pictures. i didnt step even a foot to the left or the right.. it was directly in front of me on the path, and i gasped outloud, and gave a "laugh" like.. i cannot believe this.. i ask my baby every day to send me pink things so i know she's ok. she's being defiant and stubborn like chlidren are, even in heaven. i ask for pink and she does it her own way, reminding me that purple is for baby girls too. her room is pink, orange, and yellow, but purple was the color theme of my baby shower for her. i have a few paci's of this style for her at home. do i think this dropped directly from heaven out of her mouth? no. i think a little girl was riding by in her stroller and dropped it. but she dropped it right there, right where i was standing that very day, right where i was to step back onto the path and continue my walk after honoring my baby the best way i know how. do i think maybe my daughter had something to do with that? yes, i do.

hard to see.. but there's a little purple arrow pointing out the location of the paci.


kathlyn joy davis, you amaze me.