work

at the risk of being dramatic.. i would rather die than go back to work tonight.

dont worry, it's just an expression.

contrary to that, my first night back was basically smooth. we had a low census, so i only had 2 patients, and they both slept all night and needed absolutely nothing from me. that was good in the sense that i didnt have to be overwhelmed and rushed with getting things done and charting. but it was hard in the sense that there were down times when there wasnt much to do, and you can guess where my mind went in those times. not that she's not always on my mind, but in those times, i was consumed. maybe i will do better tonight if it's a little busier. crap, i hope i dont eat those words later.

as i walked from the parking deck, i was thinking that i wanted to get around my coworkers and get my hands straight on a baby who was alone. obviously that's hard too, but the baby wouldnt care or know anything about me, and i feel my daughter with me when im around babies. i had a patient born just a few weeks before kathlyn.. but she wasnt alone. if she had been alone, i would have been able to scoop her right up and feed her a bottle. there's that mothering aspect to pediatric nursing, the part i love about it, the reason i was called to this job. my arms are aching to nurture a 3 month old baby right now, even if she's not my own, maybe i could fool my arms into thinking she was, just for a second, even when my heart knows the truth.

i thought about writing this directly into my other blog and skipping the facebook route, in order to shield my coworkers from some of the things im saying. but ive already put so much of myself out there, and i had so many messages just now from people asking how it went, including coworkers. and im guessing they want to know what im feeling, so they can understand better. i spoke to the hospital chaplain after my shift. he's been working in a childrens hospital for a long time, so he's been around dying and deceased children and their families before, so he's very kind. but he doesnt know me like my pastors know me. he said some nice things though. when i said "i'll just never be the same" he said.. "hopefully you'll be better" and i said "maybe, but it wasnt worth the sacrifice." and he said "of course not, but the math just doesnt add up that way." it's true, it doesnt. if im a better and stronger person out of this, it doesnt mean i wanted it that way or that's the reason it happened. it's just something positive to come out of it. here comes the sarcasm: lucky me. can't stress it enough.. totally not worth the sacrifice. would you want your children to die so you could be a better person?

the chaplain thinks, like everyone else, that i would really benefit from a private counselor. he said that i was very insightful. and that is why i was afraid kindermourn would have nothing more to offer me, because i already do all the things that help after the death of a child.. i write privately and pubically, i write to her, i write to God, i do lots of things to memoralize and honor her. but since i had the feeling that i needed to shield some of my thoughts, i think i need a safe place to talk to someone. i called the counselor after i got home, and she said she was glad to hear from me, she'd been thinking about me as i went back to work.. so sweet. she said "how did it go?" and i said "well, i want to come see you again, if that says anything..."

last night, i really felt like i was screaming and no one was noticing. for 3 months, every human interaction i've had has been, for the most part, completely about me. everyone knows my story and basically my mood sets the tone. if im having a good day, great. if im not, the attention was directed at making me feel better. but at work, everyone goes about their business, of course as they should be doing. im not saying they shouldnt be. life is moving on and on and everyone is working and im just standing still, frozen in this hell without my baby girl. how could i possibly be moving on?! how could my coworkers be doing their jobs like this, moving about and laughing, dont they know what happened?! a baby has died! this is not ok! and the stories about their personal children.. oh how i knew that would be extremely hard to hear. but they have every right. im just going to have to walk away, and i hope that isnt offensive to them. and the trouble with that too, is that they want to talk about their children, and i want to talk about mine. she's still my baby. but talking about mine makes everyone uncomfortable and down. it's such a shame, because i loved that part about my job too, how we all get along and love to talk, and are comfortable talking about our own families and building that stronger team as nurses and staff.

so i was thinking that maybe i am going to be tempted to find another job. a workplace where not everybody knows my name, and my story. where i dont have to feel that they are being inconsiderate (which, they're not) by moving about as usual and talking about the loves of their lives, their children. it's such a shame. i love my job. ive lost so much already.. i didnt want to lose that too. it's just such hard work to have a broken heart. i held it in, remained professional, did my job. but im screaming. im sobbing. im hating the universe. im seething with anger. even if it's only on the inside. and now in less than one hour, i have to go do it again.