remembrance, honor, recovery

My sweet Kathlyn.. I miss you so much. All of this feels so wrong... I was so busy this week.. busy doing all sorts of things I never thought I'd be doing.. all things to recover from losing you, to try to memoralize you like you deserve. Mommy's doing the best she can.. I love you, baby girl, from the bottom of my broken heart.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Earlier this evening I went to a candle lighting at a memorial garden with another mommy that I met through the Compassionate Friends group. It was the first annual meeting in concord, so it was very small, but we all have plans to make it much bigger next year. the mayor was there, and he said how very brave the mother was to be "the first" since it usually is a smaller event the first time... I dont mind at all that it was small.. it felt very intimate. they read the names of all the angel babies, and I had a video going, but my camera only allows for a 60 second video, and with my bad luck, it shut off right as kathlyn's name was being said... so i got her name, but missed her date. i love this memorial garden though. we decided not to do a gravesite for kathlyn, that it was better to have her ashes with us, in case we dont live in NC forever. but i was told by another mother one time, who's son's body is buried in arizona and she lives here, that sometimes she just goes to a cemetary anywhere to pray.. that it's a very healing and calming place to be. i thought that was nice, because either way, there are someone's loved ones there who need to be prayed for. so now i can go to this memorial garden when i need somewhere quiet and serene to go. that is, once i get over my immense fear of being alone.

it felt so surreal to be face to face with two mothers who have lost babies. i've met with one mother before, but never two at a time. one of the babies was born and died on july 3, which makes me double take every time, it looks just like my baby's date, july 30. the other baby died on december 30.. which not only is the same day as the 30th, but it's my wedding anniversary. her baby's funeral was also performed by my beloved pastor of my church.. i was completely floored by this coincidence. i can feel an unshakable bond forming between myself and these other mothers. how sad, because in all honesty, we wish we'd never had to cross paths at all. we'd trade our friendships without question in exchange for our 3 month old, 15 month old, and 10 month old. there is absolutely no explanation for why any of our babies died.

i have been so busy this week, i am so exhausted. i have all these loose ends to tie up before going back to work. ive seen every doctor that i have.. my PCP, my OB, my dentist, and now my counselor a kindermourn... all in one week. for the record, my dentist did a complete 180.. he was kind and sensitive to my loss this time, after being a total robot about it last time. we were discussing the plan for the work i need done, and he let me talk about how all choices and decisions and plans for even the littlest things are very overwhelming for me right now. he was totally understanding. i forgive him!

the doctors and staff at my OB office continue to be made of gold.. my primary doctor lets me talk for as long as i need to and answers all of my questions with both knowledge and sensitivity. i had a long list of things i have written down to ask him over the past 2 months, and he answered everything for me. as i have said, i am searching and searching and searching for answers to how this could have happened. he said he understood what i was doing, why i felt i needed to do it, and he'll answer any and all questions, but he asked me to please stop searching.. that im not going to find an answer no matter how hard i try, and he hates to see me torturing myself. he was so sweet about it though, not at all condescending, and if i do keep searching and come back with another set of questions, he'll still try to answer them for me. i also told him that even though i love and trust him, that i dont want to get too attached to just him because i know it's a big practice, and i will have to see the other doctors too, and i want to know that everyone is on the same page. he said he would write out the plan of care for me, put in on my chart, and be sure that everyone follows it so im not getting different contradicting answers or plans during my next pregnancy. they all keep telling me, the doctors, the nurses, the front desk, that they understand and anticipate that i'll be calling them a lot.. they are ok with it, they're ready for it, they'll try their best to get me through it. a second doctor came in to the room to say hello to me too.. one of the ones who actually delivered kathlyn. he said "when we see your name on our pager, we know that we need to drop everything to see what you need." that is just so amazingly sweet. i feel so supported. i also had bloodwork to check for clotting disorders and a few other things (it was a long list!) even if they all come back negative, they said that there are new clotting and coagulation disorders discovered all the time, so it might just be a good idea to go on baby aspirin in the next pregnancy. i'll also have multiple ultrasounds to check growth and the placenta, NSTs, biophysical profiles, and if anything comes out even the slightest bit fishy, especially near to the end, he said "you'll be having a baby that night." either way, it sounds like i'll have the next baby between 35-37 weeks at the latest, with the use of steriods to develop the lungs quickly if needed. thanks for cutting out 3-5 weeks of stress!

my concern in meeting with the counselor at kindermourn was that they'd have nothing new to offer me. i will seize any oppurtunity to talk to someone about my daughter, and the counselor is also very kind and knows all the right things to say and avoids all the wrong things, but i already have lots of insights to this loss... i write about my experience privately in journals and pubically online, i already write letters to the baby, i already memorialize her in many ways, i already have people to support me and to talk to me, what if there's nothing left? i think i might benefit from the group of parents who have experienced infant loss more than the one on one. although, what i did like about her is that she instantly recognized the type of person i am... one who finds faith and family to be very important, and one who loves babies. (not that that's hard to recognize from me.) she was saying how she could tell i had everything lined up.. a great supportive husband and family, a job i love, a church i love, a decent amount of financial security.. and i interrupted her and said "yes, and this was to be my cherry on top." hopefully she can be very encouraging of me as i go back to work.. she is a professional, and going back to work will provoke a lot of anxiety for me. but i do love my job.. she could tell that it's truly my calling. i love babies.. lots of people love and work with children, but i chose to work with infants for a reason. it is rewarding to make them feel better, it's actually extremely mothering to offer them that love and healing, that's why im so comfortable with it, because i want to be mother so badly. i dont want to leave pediatrics. i have lost so much.. please don't take this away from me too.

i asked her a lot about the group sessions. she said it's parents who contact them at various stages, usually anywhere from a few weeks to a few months since losing a baby during late pregnacy or as a newborn. there was a couple who called her this week who had lost a baby 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago! at 2 weeks after my loss, i was sleeping 19 hours a day.. i was totally not ready to call kindermourn at 2 weeks. this is a couple newer to grief over a child than me..that is hard to swallow.. how could i have anything to offer them, being more experienced in this... im so new at it too. but i bet i would have a lot to offer.. i am aching to meet them. and im sure someday soon, i will. i made my way back to the hospital to see my manager again, and i told him about these sessions. i said im not sure what night the meetings will be on, but that they meet for a series lasting 6 weeks, and i wondered if my schedule could accommodate that, even though that's not really fair, because while we do request our own schedule, we are not guaranteed any certain days. but he said he would accommodate it, and that it's "fair" in the sense that he would allow it for anyone in this situation who had lost a child.

and so continues my path to healing. my pastor tells me that i'm doing great. my manager tells me that im doing great. my doctor tells me that im doing great. my friends and family tell me that im doing great. i know i am.. but i still dont like it. i still dont want this. im still not ok with this, and i never will be. i have my beautiful pictures. i have my supporters. i have my music. i have my large and growing pile of books. i have my comfortably rainy days which i prefer to the sunshine. i have my letters to my baby. i have candles and a memorial garden. i have john, my family, my true calling of a job, my healthy body preparing to carry my second child. i have my Savior. im just missing the cherry on top.