raw but simple truth: it's going to be hard

i thought making it through my first week of work would be hard, and it was. but i actually did something even harder this afternoon. a baby shower. gasp. i think i was in denial leading up to it for how hard it would be.. the family the shower was for is a family that we couldnt possibly ever repay in the amount of support they have given us. it was the least we could do.. we just couldnt miss it. i felt terrible missing melody's baby shower, but at her shower i was afraid that the only person close to me in attendance who could be there to support me, was melody herself. and i just couldnt put that on her. i had so much fun at my baby shower, i didnt want to ruin it for her even though she reassured me she didnt mind. we were in st. thomas at the time anyway. but every single person at the shower today was someone we know closely, and i figured it wouldnt make anyone feel awkward if i got upset or had to step away for a minute.

and i did have to step away at one point, while the games were being played. it reminded me so much of my shower, and all the happy families with their children just makes me long so much for my sweet little girl. katie was supposed to be there too, getting passed around by everyone like the other baby in our group. or years down the line, katie was supposed to be running up and down the stairs with the other little kids, trying to keep up with the bigger ones. it is just so, so, SO heartbreaking. john asked if i "just wanted to go home" since i "wasnt enjoying myself at all". that made me feel entirely alienated.. this is my life now? i have to miss everything now, be away from all my friends because i have to step away to cry for my daughter? that's not fair either. i have lost the love of my life, ultimately gained some closer friends from the experience, but now i have to lose them too every time there is a family event related to babies? screw you, universe. i just wish john understood that even when im not crying, im still hurting so badly and screaming inside. he just doesnt like it when i cry. but im going to cry. its going to be hard... seeing babies and happy complete families with all their children present and alive will be hard, seeing pregnant women will be hard, going back to work will be hard, baby showers will be hard, christmas will be hard, knowing people are watching me cry and can do nothing about it is hard, MY LIFE IS HARD NOW. and i cant get away. i will cry every day over it.

so john asked me to just fake it for the rest of the party. just come back inside and fake it. i was hoping that maybe during the busyness of the games that no one really noticed that i'd stepped away, but just as we were about to come in, the guest of honor (well not the true guest of honor.. the father) came out to say how much he and his wife appreciated that we came even considering how hard it would be. so we went back inside.. and really, i dont have to fake it around these people.. they know. i dont think they mind. they grieve with me and for me. they wish it was different too.

i dont want to have to fake it around them because i have to fake it so hard at work. it's exhausting. slowly im seeing all of my coworkers one by one.. soon i hope i will have seen everyone, gotten that "first time around" for everyone out of the way. im also running into the staff we dont see as often, some who unfortunately havent heard my story, so i got asked "hey! you've been gone so long, good to see you, how was the delivery and everything?" and i just had to answer with a somber "i guess you havent heard..." ugh. terribly awkward situation. sunday morning, i saw the nurse who was due the same day as me.. she had her baby july 29, one day before kathlyn. all she had to say was "hi beth..." and i burst into tears right there behind the nurse's station. there was no faking it.. there was no lead-in like i can usually feel. i knew she was going to be there, but i did not see that reaction coming. she was so sweet though, i give her a lot of credit because i dont see how she wasnt crying too.. not that i would have minded if she did. but she stayed strong. i am surrounded by such high quality people.. something i wasnt as sure of before.

i told john that i saw her, reminded him how we were due the same day and what day she had her daughter, one day before ours. he said "one day, eh?" yup.. he was acknowleding the raw truth of it.. if we had kathlyn on july 29th too, she would be here with us now. we would be taking her blissfully for granted instead of grieving her.

i made that baby feel better at work, the one i wrote about last time who i fed and swaddled and rocked back to sleep. and i made the baby at the shower today giggle and squeal at me in her carseat just a minute after fussing for being put in there. so precious, so priceless. and i cant help but wonder if kathlyn lovingly kissed the baby at work on the forehead goodnight as i rocked her, or tickled her little friend's belly to make her laugh at me today. or if she's wrapping her spirit around the hearts of my supporters who know the right things to do and say when i need them.. allowing all of them to provide love to me born from the deep love i have for her. my little angel. our little inspiration. such a tiny little princess making such a big impression. im sorry kathlyn.. we all wish it was different. im so sorry kathlyn, so sorry.. i love you, my angel. we all do. sleep tight wherever you are.. come see us whenever you can.. and wait for me.. I'll hold you again someday and never let go.