the results of my bloodwork came in. the good news is, i dont have a clotting disorder. for the other moms who have been tested before and are wondering, and for the other nurses who might have heard of this, the MPHFR (clotting factor) came back normal.. ive read about a lot of moms tested for this. i feel the same way they do.. glad that it's normal (especially considering the histories of my father and father in law), but if it had come back abnormal, that may have been our answer. that's why i consider this partially bad news. normal normal normal. my baby died for no reason. screw you, universe. it said.. here, have the beautiful, perfect babygirl you've been waiting for your whole life.. err, actually, no, wait. nevermind.
CMV came back as negative for acute infection, but i had antibodies for it which means i'm probably immune. that is fantastic news for future pregnancies. a note to my coworkers.. i'll still avoid CMV patients during pregnancy... "better safe than sorry" is going to be a serious understatement for me.
my heart is broken.. it just happens to be pumping around perfectly uninfected, thin and unclotted blood. i am just so mad at my body, you have no idea. maybe this wasnt my fault, but it was my responsibility and i failed miserably at the expense of my perfect little girl. i would have died for her, as you know, you would die for any of your children. i will spend my life trying to resolve this.
listen for me.. it's 3pm on the nose, eastern standard time.. and i feel like screaming.
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I'll scream with you Beth.
ReplyDeleteWhat bittersweet news, Beth. Thinking of you. Scream away. It's not fair. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Karen, Bittersweet indeed. Hard to not know why we lost our little ones. (((HUGS))) and you have every right to scream whenever you feel like it. Take care...
ReplyDeleteAll these tests were done on me too and everything was normal... and then what happened to my Akul? No one knows and no one cares ... I wish they would just say they don't know and they do not have any answers and that whether our children live or die is a game of chance...they do all these tests, say nothing is wrong and leave us wondering if our next baby will survive or die for no reason at all!!!!
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