back to work, night number two

last night at work was a little better than the first. i was busier this time, and that does help.

this time i had a little baby who wasnt alone, but she might as well have been. her mother sadly had no interest in her 3 week old.. she just wanted to sleep. surprisingly it's not the exposure to the babies that is hardest, it's the parents who take their children for granted like this. it slices into my already broken heart.. i would give anything, ANYTHING, to be holding my crying baby, exhausted through the night as a new mother.

so, i finally got my chance to nurture a little baby that i missed out on the first night. she stopped crying the instant i lifted her up. she just wanted to be loved on. the weight of an infant in my arms lifts a little bit of weight from my aching and heavy heart. i absolutely love this part of my job: making babies feel better. i fed her, changed her, swaddled her up like a little bug, and she slept comfortably for hours after that. i hope with the good night's sleep her mother was allowed, she'll feel better and show more interest in her precious little girl today. as i held her, i asked for kathlyn to come see us. i didnt get any sign from her specifically.. but she had to know i wished it was her in my arms.

on the other hand, i also took care of a wonderfully loving family. their little boy was very sick, and his parents cared for him no matter what the hour, advocated for him, worried about him, cried with and for him, gave him everything he needed. when his mother cried as he was being taken for a procedure, i fought back my own tears for her. i can just feel compassion pouring out of me like never before. i know i was empathetic to start with, but now i know it's true.. you love more deeply when you learn what it is to love your own child.

i have a coworker who is getting married in two weeks and she is just beside herself with joy. i remember those times, it's such an exciting time of life, right before your wedding. someone mentioned how some of the girls were buying new dresses to wear to her wedding. i bought a new dress too... for the baby. it was the last outfit i ever bought for her. it was mid july. i saw this beautiful dark purple dress that had just been put out in the first round of fall baby clothes. i knew i needed absolutely NO more baby girl clothes, but i justified it this way.. she can wear this to jessica's wedding in the fall! size 3-6 months. since it was new to the store, i paid full price. i got the matching bib and opted against the matching hat. the sweet little purple dress is hanging unwashed, unworn, with the tags still on it, in her closet. you see, i wasnt lying when i said i had everything ready for my daughter. oh my little katie.. the plans i had for you. i just miss that pretty little baby so, so much. i wouldnt mind if she cried all night. and now, i cry all night for her.