help

written at 5pm

one of my friend's status updates is "when God closes one door He opens another."

what about when the door slams in your face so hard the entire house falls down around you?

bad day today.. i am relieved just to be off the floor and breathing at a normal rate again. that.. i assume.. was a panic attack. i thought i'd had them before in life, but now i know, i hadn't.

i am frustrated because my coworkers are walking on Team Kathlyn Joy tomorrow in the HopeBuilders 5K for Levine Children's Hospital, and i want to go. I was going to try to go to concord mills or a craft store to get button pins to put her picture or handprint in for everyone to wear, but i havent made it out the door yet. i havent even made it into the closet to put pants on. they call it "depression" when it "interferes with your daily life." that's one way of putting it. i cant run errands because im not wearing pants.

i tried calling the doctor, my regular GP. i called and hung up about 4 times before finally letting the receptionist pick up. i dont know what to say, or why to ask to be seen. im not sick. im grieving. but i want him to know. so she said his assistant would call me back.. there are no more appointments today. i can go to the urgent care on site if i want. but i dont know them.. i wanted to talk to HIM, i know him, i like him, i trust him.

just when i thought things couldnt get worse.. john called and told me he's not coming home tonight. crap, i hate fridays. he has off duty so he's already gone from 12 noon until 5am or later. but he's helping someone move tomorrow so he's not even coming home, he's sleeping at their house.

seriously?? people tell me to just get through hour by hour. right now, it's 12 hours until 5am.. but now i have no way to even count the hours until i'll see him again. honestly, probably wont see him until sunday with the race tomorrow and him working again tomorrow night. not til sunday, and it's only friday!?

in between writing this note, the nurse from the OB called me back (yes i got so scared that i called my GP *and* the OB). it wasn't the nurse i know the best, but i had met her before and they are so nice.. she wouldnt let me get off the phone until she knew i was feeling better and she said "we expect that you might call more than once a day" during the next pregnancy and that's totally normal. she remembered me once she looked through my chart some, but really she remembered john first.. because she did my original work up and john thinks it's totally funny when they ask for his emergency contact phone number and he says 911. dork. i can feel the difference between the start of this note and the end.. she made me feel better. at least i know enough to ask for help when i need it.


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it's now 2am and I had a better evening than afternoon. and here are the buttons...