left out, made her from scratch, and whyyyy

left out
Monday Oct 5, 1:37 pm
warning.. lots of honesty and names mentioned in this one. i was told by one of my top supporters that i could say pretty much anything (probably including "flip off!") and my true supporters would keep supporting me. i then sarcastically told her to "flip off!" and she said she wasnt going anywhere.




this is a collection of melody's gifts for baby lorelei who is due oct 31. melody has been on bedrest for 10 weeks and was finally allowed to come off. she came to kathlyn's funeral in a wheelchair because she begged her doctor to let her come. she hasnt had an easy pregnancy at all, but now that she's at 36 weeks and off of bedrest, she could have her baby at any time. she looks absolutely adorable in her newest profile picture. she hasnt gained an ounce anywhere else but her belly! i am so happy for her, but it breaks my heart at the same time. it wasnt suppossed to be this way. i missed her shower. i was out of town, but i wouldnt have been able to go anyway. i had such a nice time at my shower, melody didnt need a big crying pink elephant in the room who nobody wanted to talk to, except for her and her mom. she would have let me come and cry, but she understood.

the two little brown and pink dresses in the left corner were one of the things from me. i bought the dresses in newborn and 6 months for lorelei and kathlyn to wear together in november. lorelei will wear them both now, as well as a bag full of some of kathlyn's other things. melody placed the two dresses out on display at the shower, next to a little pink puppy that she got from her dad a few years ago, which looks a lot like kathlyn's pink puppy. she was so sweet to honor my little girl.

i feel so left out.. left out of all this happiness and celebration. melody is my best friend, and i find it in me to be happy for her, but i dont really feel happy at all. i can see it coming.. her pictures posted on facebook and everybody commenting and oooing and ahhhing over how cute lorelei is and how great melody looks and how sweet mike is with his baby girl. so what do i do? do i just delete facebook? then i dont get to see her baby's pictures at all, or connect anymore with my supporters. i just dont know what to do. melody and her baby, i can handle, because i love them, and because melody is so gentle with my feelings. but everyone else fawning over them, that is hard to stomach. there are already a lot of comments on her pregnancy and her baby clothing from the shower, i can only imagine the comments on the actual baby. in my rock group, i love watching stephanie and chad with kylie, but for some reason, it hurts more when christina, amy, and kristin fawn over and hold kylie. they were suppossed to be holding and fawing over MY baby too! it just isnt fair.

i also feel extremely left out at work.. how is that, i havent even gone back yet! but there are two mommies on maternity leave with me, one who will come back right when i come back, and one 4 weeks later. i dreamed last night that i was at work and i had kathlyn's album with me, but everyone was looking at my friend lindsey's blue album of her baby jackson's pictures instead. and why wouldnt they? i have a grand total of ONE set of pictures of my baby, and the rest is clothing, flowers, and pictures of her name written down in sand and various places... jackson is SO cute.. with his full head of hair and a paci way to big for his mouth, the cutest little eyes peeking out over them. i recognize his clothing and his boppy in the pictures from lindsey's shower, where we stood back to back showing off our beautiful pregnant bellies together. it's another reason i am tempted to delete facebook.. all of our mutual friends are constantly commenting on baby jack, and lindsey's sweet and lighthearted status updates, and how they all get together for playdates and im just simply not invited. i feel so left out. the LCH 9 children are abundant... and now mine is forever missing from THOSE pictures too, not just our family photos.

so if you live in charlotte... look outside at the rain and gloomy sky and think of me.. that is the kind of day im having. many are thankful and welcome the cooler fall weather, but my heart feels cold and empty too. i was ready for these days... to swaddle up my little sweetheart for a crisp fall walk before going back to work. i just miss her so much, so much more than any of you can admit to imagining. i just want my baby girl.


i made her from scratch
Monday October 5, 4pm

The Fox
by O+S

I found a fox in the woods
She was cold and hungry
I gave her all that I could
I was sure that she loved me
And we were big as thieves.

Through the winter I kept her warm
Fed her all she desired
And she told me in so many words
I was the one who saved her life
And she would never forget
And I would never be left

But then one day I ran out of bread
And wood to keep the fire
And when I woke I found she had fled
To the house down the river
And I cried all night
Because I had thought she was mine


from the intro to season 6 of grey's anatomy:

when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss
we all move through 5 distinct stages of grief
we go into denial
because the loss is so unthinkable
we can't imagine it's true
we become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves
then we bargain
we beg
we plead
we offer everything we have
we offer our souls
in exchange for just one more day
when the bargaining has failed
and the anger is too hard to maintain
we fall into depression
despair
until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can
we let go
we let go and move into acceptance


"be careful with yourself.. i made that body from scratch"



whyyyyy
October 8, 12:01am
why were all my NSTs normal? why couldnt she have decellerated at one of them so i could have had her earlier, even if emergently? why did she have to die ONE DAY before she was due? why did she tolerate the version so well? her heart rate was perfect! she didnt care that they tried to turn her! she was fine! why couldnt she have gone into distress during that procedure, so we could have her that night? she was healthy, she could have survived as a premie! why couldnt my due date have been on wednesday, instead of friday? then the "39 week" mark would have been july 29 instead of july 31, and we could have delivered her on wednesday as 39 weeks instead of friday. she'd be with me today! i would be tired and cranky with my 2 month old and oblivious to the fact that babies die. I AM A PEDIATRIC NURSE FOR CRYING OUTLOUD... HOW THE HELL DID I NOT KNOW THAT BABIES DIE?!


i met with a friend from my old job tonight. i havent seen her since before her little boy was born. he is 7 months old and so handsome. i am getting more comfortable now, it's a good thing since im going back to work, so i was able to hold him.. my second baby to hold since my tragedy. but every time i go out with a baby, i am too sad because i know there should be two strollers and not just one. i have been wearing one of katie's pink paci's on a clip to honor her, and he was playing with it and pulling at it. he takes a paci too.. so his mom and i were saying they would have been so cute, little boyfriend and girlfriend, trading paci's and swapping spit already. we would have been nursing together at the table, making everyone around us uncomfortable and not caring at all because we are doing what is healthy for our babies. one of the paci's he was using said "i love mommy" and i had the same paci for katie. i actually have it set out on display since it says mommy.. right next to the police officer rattle for daddy. his mommy said he has so many paci's floating around.. how funny that it was that one that showed up tonight... those coincidences again.. i love them. but a coincidence that is frustrating is that this baby had a two vessel cord.. he is totally healthy and gogeous and pefect, just like katie was. he was the normal, large percentage of two vessel cords that turn out just fine.. why not katie too?! WHY??


seriously. why?! what just happened?! HOW did this happen?! what is wrong with this picture?! I AM SCREAMING HER NAME OUT THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN! WHERE ARE YOU KATHLYN!? all the questions are there... what.. where.. how.. WHY?!

on grey's anatomy, there was a baby who was born so emergently by csection that they nearly cut her arm off. and they were rushing to fix it so the baby could "throw a ball, hold a spoon, wave bye bye to her parents."

im so sorry kathlyn. im sorry that your heart was so healthy, that you never scared your doctors so bad that they tried so quickly to get you out that they cut your arm, and that you'll never throw a ball, hold a spoon, or wave bye bye to me.

there is only One Person who can tell me why, how, or where. and i dont have the clairvoyance to hear the answer.