around 830pm i was in my bed in and out of sleep, frustrated with the dogs for barking, and thinking i was feeling too tired and too sad to get up and go to work. well, i got called off. that's not really what i wanted necessarily either. i dont have any vacation time left, so im going to have to take tonight unpaid. and it means an unexpected night alone. be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. ha. HA! i wished for a baby. and i was careful about it. worked out pretty well for me huh. remember, sarcasm is a subset of the grief category "anger." so anyway, after getting called off, i called a few people so i wouldnt have to feel so lonely all night. and then i went back to sleep, making my total 15 hours. grief is exhausting.
my dearest melody is still hanging on pregnant.. almost 40 weeks, making her more pregnant than i ever was. she is SO ready! i wanted her baby to come on the 30th (that's today!) because then it would match kathlyn, though bittersweet, but also melody's and my wedding anniversaries are both on the 30th. when kathlyn was scheduled to come on the 31st, and her baby's due date was the 31st, I was really excited about them matching. it's not too late, they still can. not what i had in mind, obviously. im just ready for her baby to be here safely, and so is she. probably a multiplied feeling for her after what happened to me. she made a status update about waiting, and a friend of hers commented something about "stop waiting and just enjoy the rest of the time as 'just the two of you'! parenthood is great, but sometimes we miss the times it was just us.. go out and do something you cant with a baby!" this person isnt my friend.. she doesnt even know who i am and probably not what happened to me.. she wasnt being insensitive towards me. but obviously she doesnt know what it is to lose a baby. i speak for all parents in my situation.. and for parents suffering infertility as well... we are done being 'just the two of us'. i would caution that commenter to be careful what she wishes for. i shudder at the thought. for what it's worth, melody doesnt mind that she's about to lose her 'just the two of us' status. she just wants her baby. for what it's worth, she wanted mine too.
one night close to the end of my pregnancy (the end of happiness as i knew it), john and i were talking about what we were going to do about childcare and our schedules. this was a common conversation, one that worried both of us considering we both work at night, both prefer it that way, and how hard it would be to find childcare during those hours, having no family in the area. these conversations often turned into arguments. we had no idea (still dont) how it was going to work out, if one of us had to switch to dayshift, if that was even an option, if we could convince grandparents to move here, and it never seemed like we could come to an agreement of what would work out best. so i guess that night,the conversation had moved well into the argument realm. i remember going to bed, arms hugging my wonderful belly, peering at her basinet in the corner of our room, and thinking "maybe we weren't ready for a baby.."
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! HOW COULD I SAY SUCH A THING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I REALLY GOT WHAT I DESERVED DIDN'T I NOW?!
try to understand why these thoughts rip through my head and heart and how much damage they do to my soul. try not to tell me "dont think that way!" because i know it's irrational, but these thoughts are going to be there..guilt and blame are part of grief. it's really no wonder that i sleep 15 hours sometimes. not only because i'm exhausted by feeling this way. but so i can stop thinking these things.
i think my next thought, after the one about not being ready, was "oh well, too late now" and i probably told her outloud that i loved her, because i did that every night anyway. and i remember browsing through one of my bereavement materials i got at the hospital, and reading the section on children and how to deal with the older siblings. one piece of advice was to make sure the child knows this wasnt their fault. make sure they know that no thoughts could have caused the baby to die. many older children think while their mothers are pregnant that they dont like the new baby, they are afraid that the new baby will replace them, and they wish that they werent having a new baby, and then they think it's their fault for thinking that.
thoughts dont cause a baby to die.. grief makes me child-like.. i want my mommy. i cry and scream on the floor. im afraid of doing simple things. im afraid this is all my fault. im afraid my thoughts might have tempted fate. but it's faith, not fate. focus on my faith.. right?
right.
i'm going back to bed.
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ReplyDeleteOh Beth.
ReplyDeleteThoughts don't cause babies to die.
I've had this conversation with myself in my head hundreds if not thousands of times.
You loved your baby. I loved my babies.
They didn't die because of thoughts. They didn't die because of anything we thought or did or didn't do or said or whatever.
Don't torture yourself please. ((hugs))
I can't say it better than Mirne has above. I know it is difficult not to imagine that what we said or thought might have somehow 'caused' the death of our babies. I know that I often feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think life works that way. I don't think that you can truly 'tempt fate', these things just happen at random. It isn't your fault. You loved Kathlyn and if thoughts had any power she would be in your arms right now. xo
When Akul passed away, I was tormented by so many questions...Did I eat the wrong things? and then what about the countless women in India who eat out of the garbage and still have healthy babies....Did I not want my child enough? and what about all those people who give their kids up for adoption or worse throw them half dead in garbage bins ...and those kids still survive. Because you are religious, I will make this comment...Strange are His ways and you and I have very little control over things.
ReplyDeleteI definitely can't say it better than Mirne, but I know how easy it is to wonder and what if and beat myself up over things. Nimoli has such a good point that lots of women who aren't well nourished and (damn it) lots of women who don't want their babies and do drugs have their babies born healthy at term. It's not fair. My husband doesn't understand why I torment myself either. He shrugs and says, "Crap just happens." I sniff and say, but it's not fair. He says, "Life isn't fair, Karen." Gaaaaah. I wish it didn't and I wish it was because then we'd all have our babies where they should be - with us. (((Hugs))) all round.
ReplyDeleteThe night before Rose died, when she was still safe and busy in my belly, I caught a commercial on TV that featured a man holding a newborn and the voiceover said something like "your life changes in an instant".....I had a bit of a panic thinking - oh my, what if we aren't ready...
ReplyDeleteAnd the next day she died, and honestly, my FIRST thought was that i'd caused it by having that panicked reaction the night before. Well, I may have thought we weren't ready for her arrival, but we still aren't ready for this kinda life either - a life without her.
At the time Rose died, our oldest daughter was 2 - so this wasn't to be our first baby.....and still I was nervous we weren't ready...I think its a common feeling all moms go through.
Very long way of saying exactly what the others have said - thoughts don't cause this horrible event. Its so very clear how much you love and adore and wanted Kathlyn.
Be gentle on yourself... sending you much love.