needs

i've been looking for this picture, and i cant find it. it's the picture i've been talking about, the one at my 2nd Christmas, where I'm a year and a half old, sitting next to a doll crib and holding a little baby doll so lovingly, even with my own paci in my mouth. it's the picture that makes me say "ive wanted a baby since i was a baby."

on wednesday, july 29, i was thinking about that picture. i wanted to find it and post it to facebook and say "on friday, 28 years later, i will finally have my own real baby!" but i figured that picture was probably upstairs stored in the attic. it was getting late. i was 9 months pregnant. i needed to go to bed. i had to get up for the appointment in the morning. plus, my mom was already asleep upstairs. i figured, i'll get the picture tomorrow, which was thursday. i still have one more day to post the picture of myself as a 1 year old little mommy.

as you know, the events on thursday didnt exactly allow for me to post that picture on facebook. with complete horror, i wonder if i had searched for the picture that night, if i had gone to bed just a little bit later, maybe i would have chosen a different position to sleep in and kathlyn would be here with us. because maybe she was laying on her cord and stopped her own circulation. if i had just chosen a different position. maybe the stars would have aligned differently. maybe my body wouldnt have killed that baby ive been pregnant with for 28 years.

when i was at kindermourn, i asked the counselor if after the group sessions, any of the parents came to her privately.. did the parents of late term stillborns say that they didnt like being compared to miscarriages? and did the miscarried parents say they didnt like feeling belittled because their loss was earlier? and she said yes, both of those things happen. but she said, it's not necessarily how long you were pregnant, it's how attached you were that dictates how hard you grieve. some moms get pregnant, and they werent expecting it, so early on, they dont think about the baby, it's on the back burner. but some moms are very attached right from the beginning, with hopes and dreams of what is to come. with a stillborn, being so late, the mom is always already attached, has the names picked out, had a baby shower, had the nursery ready, among a million other plans shattered, so it's always very hard, the grief deep and long lasting.

well crap. if that's the case.. if it's how attached you are? well i was very, very attached. 28 years attached, with the last very months carrying a lot more intense attachment and 100% preparation. this is why im completely devastated: my lifelong dream torn from me in seconds.

fridays are so hard because john works for 18 hours or more. my heart feels so heavy, i feel like i have a block of dry ice in my chest and i cant breathe. my grief is so suffocating. it is beyond sadness, it turns to anxiety and physical pain. i feel so scared and panicky, especially if i have no plans, nothing to look forward to. i hate being alone, hate it. it's ok to be alone and simply grieve, when it's only sadness, but with the anxiety added, i cant handle it. with an infant, you are never alone, that's what i wanted. so yesterday, as i often do, i reached out to my church for dear life. they were SO busy yesterday, preparing for our church's 10 year anniversary celebration this weekend... but they still find time for me. they know that sometimes, i just want someone to hurt with me. so i spent the better part of the afternoon (literally and in the cliche sense) just sitting in their office so i didnt have to be alone. even if at times they were doing other things, it didnt matter, they were still there.

i know everyone is quick to point out when im doing better, being brave and strong, finding my way to smile and laugh again, but i ask you to realize that it's scary when you say that. if you say im doing better, does that mean you'll stop coming around? you think that im doing fine, and i dont need you to come anymore, it probably doesnt mean that, but i dont know for sure, and you have to know that is where the mind of a grieving and scared person takes them. i am not ok. if you come over and im not crying, that's because you're actually here! if you hadnt come, i'd have most likely been crying. when you come, that's what makes me better. when i know you're still reading, thats what makes me write about hope. i know you all want me to be ok.. but i still need you. even when my faith is strong, i need you. even when im not crying, i need you. even when im smiling, i need you. even when i go back to work, i need you. even when im pregnanat again, i need you. i should change those last two "evens" to "especially". i dont want you to tell me that everything's ok, because it's not. i just need you to be there.