home again

written late friday night, october 2

it hit me this morning at 7am while we were still at the hotel.. not that the reality of my situation had ever escaped me, but the realization that it was time to go home, came crashing down on me. we cried in our hotel bed, me outwardly, john on the inside. home again (raw truth..) where our baby will still be dead.

there was some fun and some relaxation for sure, but really, this vacation was a comedy of errors. for starters, at the risk of mortifying myself or my followers, it has become apparent to me that i am still fertile. i will spare my male readers any details, but my female readers can use your imagination.. you know the horror im speaking of, made worse when this occurs while vacationing... a vacation intended to be had wearing a bathing suit more often than any other attire. sigh.

it also became apparent that our chosen destination, st. thomas and st. john in the US virgin islands, are in their "off season." it's the part of the year which is most humid, and the weather was described to us by one of our tour guides as either "hot" or "hotter". the heat isnt a problem, because there is almost always a wonderful caribbean breeze, a light rain, or a refreshing swim to relieve it, but the humidity was frustrating, especially knowing that this was the worst time of year for it. the best time to vacation to USVI is apparently november until may.. the summers are too hot and humid and september and october are slow because it's the start of school with no holiday vacations. i had chosen our hotel resort partly because of the reccommendations online of the two restaurants on site.. one which is literally right on the water.. you can walk off of the bar dock directly into the water with your free kayak or snorkel gear for hotel guests. the other restaurant is fancy romantic style with a balcony view of the ocean and other virgin islands. but we were informed at check in that the two restaurants were closed until october 1st, which was our last day. closed?! the reason we chose this hotel, and they were closed!? there were also two beaches on site.. one was unkept and had beer bottles and trash all over it, and the other was about 10 square yards of sand surrounded by rock. would have been great to use that beach space with a free kayak or snorkel gear, had they been available.. but it wasn't to be. sigh again.

it wasnt all bad.. beacuse our hotel was in its off season with no restaurants to offer, there were very few guests so we got a free upgrade to a bigger room.. a suite with a bedroom, king size bed, living room, full kitchen, dining area, bathrom, and a bacony bigger than most hotel rooms. and that view!! we were high enough up that there was always a breeze, so the humidity didnt matter. we couldlnt have asked for a better room or a better view. we did some grocery shopping and had breakfast in the room every day and cooked our own dinner 3 of the nights, where we ate on the balcony. i had a few naps out there too.. real naps, in actual deep sleep with the ocean crashing below me and birds chirping. that was healing time.

driving on the island was not fun. 31 square miles and 40,000 residents makes for very crowded roads.. they were narrow, windy, and steep, not to mention, you drive on the left. poor john! and it's like there are no rules! the drivers are aggressive.. people just cut in front of each other and the craziest driver wins. john said "no wonder cabbies drive like such a-holes, they come from places like this!" :-x if THIS was off season.. i can only imagine the roads when there are more tourists!

we were also told that crime on the island is as high as washington, DC. you know how paranoid john is already.. we were warned never to turn off main roads and to always lock car and hotel doors.. not that we dont do that already, but john was unarmed and jumped every time something in the hotel creaked. he got used to it eventually, but in the begining, so much for trying to relax.

the locals on st. thomas arent very friendly. especailly if they arent in a job that gets tipped.. such as the hertz counter rep... i almost felt like she went out of her way to be unfriendly. well excuse us, yanno, you have a job because of tourists, so dont be so rude to them. it was nothing personal.. she was short with everyone she spoke to in person and on the phone, not just us. our hotel staff was a little better, but offered no help in planning or suggesting activities like they do in hawaii where we had our honeymoon. st. john's locals were much friendlier. we visited st. john 3 times by ferry. st. john is 19 square miles with only 4000 residents, so not nearly as crowded. it was unfortunate we weren't allowed to take our rental car to st. john, so we were limited on what we could do there to get around... another trial in the comedy of errors.

we were blessed to find some people "from the states" who are residents of the islands but not "locals". they helped us by suggesting activities to do and how to plan them. there was one store owner who was so sweet, we talked to her for over an hour and she even typed up and printed a schedule for us of all the things she planned and suggested. we didnt feel like such lost souls, driving around on these crazy island roads, after she helped us figure out some fun things to do. we needed the guidance! we told her about kathlyn and she even suggested the nicest beach to write her name in the sand. she told us of a couple on the island who just lost their baby at 8 months pregnant, in a car accident. so terribly sad. there is so much hurt in this world. but it was healing to tell someone our sad story.. she is still our baby and we need to talk about her.

one of the days on st.john, we hiked the virgin islands national park, on a tour with a few other couples and a park ranger as a guide. i was SO hot towards the end of the hike, my already sunburned skin was on fire again, i just couldnt wait to get to the ocean at the end for a swim. i changed into my bathing suit in the bathroom near the end of the hike, and i didnt want to put my long pants back on, but forgot to bring shorts. so, after john changed into his bathing suit, i put his shorts on, hah. they dont exactly fit me.. i felt like they were too big and too small at the same time, since men and women dont wear their waist at the same spot, plus i was already hot, so i didnt even try to button or zip them, i just held them up by the drawstring belt. the park ranger saw me struggling with the heat and holding the pants just below my still-there-belly.. so she asked in her creole/caribbean accent "you ok?" and i said "yea, just getting hot" and she said "you havin a baby?" sigh. here we go again. that is an awfuly dangerous question to ask a woman my size, but i didnt want her too feel bad for asking if i just said "no.." so i said "i just had one actually" and her face lit up. "oooh! really!" so, of course, i had to stop her in her tracks before she got too excited and congratulated me. i said "yea, but we have a sad story, she died at birth." she said she was so sorry... she gave the biggest frown you ever saw, and was fighing back tears hard. she asked what happened, and i said we dont know because the reports showed the baby was healthy. she said "oh that is so sad, i am so sorry for that. only God knows..." and i said "yea, I guess He'll tell us someday." and she said "He will, He will."

i hate to complain so much about my trip. we did have a nice time and had some of that healing time we so desperately needed. we saw so many pretty views.. mountain top views and under the sea views.. we got to do all the activities that woman suggested, except for one, snorkeling at a place called "water lemon bay." doenst that just sound so tropical and sweet? motor boats arent allowed there, you have to get there by small boat or by hike s there are no roads leading directly do it either, so it's not often visited by people. she said there are so many beautiful fish and coral and starfish and that you "feel like ariel is going to swim around the corner at you". aw, i wanted to see ariel! but we did some pretty snorkeling in some other spots.. aside from being face to face with a barracuda (no joke.. some of you got that text.. that was extremely frightening!), we saw some sweet little fishies that wanted to be our friends, their school was following and following us forever like a little line of ducks. so cute. and we saw some sting rays from a distance, puffer fish, and coral. the ocean water was a perfect temperature and a gorgeous teal blue. you can always see straight down to the bottom, even on the deepest parts. the trees were lush and green and when the breeze comes through, you just close your eyes and let it heal your soul.

part of the "errors" felt natural to me.... trying to maneuver and figure out how to live when everything is backwards. driving on the wrong side of the road.. feeling upside down.. dealing with unfortunate trials.. such is my life right now. i realized this morning during that time of grief in the hotel bed, that i went a full 7 days without saying or even thinking my new catch phrase, "i hate the universe." we needed this time away.. just the two of us, and soon i will post our pictures.

for a lot of the trip, i had this song in my head... "this is what it means to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive."

hold me up.. as i adjust back to being at home.. back at a place where the next room is an empty nursery instead of a peaceful balcony.. with john not at my side 100% of the time like he was this week.. as i go back to work.. as i try to have another baby.. let me continue to know how it feels to be held. this is my request to you as well as my prayer to God.

"the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."


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