trip

ive been writing more than once a day here for awhile it seems.. but tomorrow we are leaving for a week.. im sure my mind and heart will be exploding with things to write while we're away. please keep praying for us that we have some healing time.

to everything there is a season, a time to every purpose under heaven. a time to be born, a time to die [but not necessarily in that order]. a time to heal, a time to break down. a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to dance. and so off we go...


i went to the dentist twice this week. first for my regular cleaning with the assistant, then i had to go back to see the dentist because he wasnt available the first day, and he had to go over my xrays (which by the way, were late because they were due last time but i was pregnant). im going to need some dental work done, nothing major, but still needs to be done. so before the first appointment, i sent an email to the main secretary in the office asking her to please let everyone know that my baby died. they are all friendly and personable and they always ask questions about our lives, i swear they must write things down about us because they always ask about the hospital and the police world to both me and john, they always asked about nursing school and when john saw them in june, they asked him about my pregnancy. so i KNEW they were gonna ask about the baby and i was trying to avoid an awkward situation. so the secretary wrote back and said she was so sorry, and that they would tell everyone at the desk, the hygenist and the dentist. i was surprised when i got there, no one at the desk said ANYTHING about it. i was surprised. i didnt mean for them not to mention it at all, i dont mind talking about it, thats my daughter, i WANT to talk about her, i was just warning them even for their own sake of asking me about her and then having to get the shocking, horrible news, and then feel bad about it. normally they are so nice, i would have thought they would do a card or something. ( i guess all of you have spoiled me with all these wonderful cards!) anyway, the hygenist is the only one who said anything, she just said she was sorry to hear, and i appreciated that. that's all you really need to say!

so i guessed since i had to come back a second time, they might have forewarned everyone again who was to see me. or that they might update the notes in the chart since i know they write stuff about us so they have something to talk about and be personable. well, not so much. i met an assistant i have never seen before, and she said, all cheery "SO! You just had a baby??" and i was silent. she said, still cheery.. "oh! was that not you?" and i said in a completely somber and horrified voice "no.. that was me.. i had a baby.. but.. umm" and she changed and said "OH NO..." and i said "yea, we lost her right at the end, i was 39 weeks" but i dont even think she was listening anymore, i think she blanked. she was trying to hug me and it was totally awkward, i mean.. please dont hug me, i dont even know you, and im about to turn into a puddle on your dentist chair... i dont blame her for reacting that way, that is EXACTLY WHY i emailed them, to avoid that situation. a situation i am DREADING with the large amount of doctors, residents, and other hospital workers who i run into often but wouldnt have necessarily heard the news unless one of the nurses told them specifically. last time they saw me, i looked like a watermelon. it's hard not to notice a 9 months pregnant woman and it's definitely a conversation piece at a medical workplace especially. and as far as they know, if i disappear and come back after 3 months without the watermelon, well what do you think their questions will be?

so eventually the dentist came in and judging by the time the assistant was gone from the room.. partially to compose herself im sure, because she was definitely crying, but if the dentist wasnt aware from the email, then im betting she told him before he came in. so he checked my teeth and the xrays and made some comments to the assistant about the teeth that needed work.. it was totally greek to me.. "number 19, DSML, number 13, partial OXL blah blah blah." so then he said he would "go over the findings and make a plan for the work that needs to be done." i just kind of stared at him like he was a robot. i had break eye contact before i asked "have you been made aware of my situation?" and he said "yes." dot dot dot. a long pause. WOW. i guess you have about as many condolences for me as your front desk staff. i mean SHEESH. i understand though, avoiding the conversation so as not to upset me is one thing, i dont really fault them for it that much... but when you are actually PRESENTED with it, and you dont say a word? thanks for caring about me, man. so i just stated plainly "well im going to be getting pregnant again, so im hoping we can do this dental work soon." and he said something about how it's true you cant have dental work done during pregnancy but it's important to have it done and more blah blah blah, at this point i was losing interest in what he had to say and i just wanted to get to my car so i could cry. i dont care about the stupid dentist. i mean, im not gonna let my teeth rot and fall out or anything, but im not making dental work a priority in my life over my next pregnancy. i have a one track mind and a definite goal. so apparently we're skipping the personable stuff from now on.. let's just do the dental work and get it over with so i can move along. im guessing i might get some recommendations to get a new dentist, but given my emotional state, i dont have energy to invest in finding a new one.. this is the first strike and also with my emotional state in consideration, im probably being hard on them. no one knows what to say, i know that. in the past they have done a good job. i guess dentists dont have to take "family centered care" classes like we do in pediatrics.

defeated, i went to the car and cried it out. i had some visitors i was expecting, so at least i knew i wasnt going home to an empty house. i had to stop first for dog food and a few things for the trip. in the parking lot, the car next to me had a cute little pink flower carseat. i stopped at the dollar store first for some inexpensive dog toys to keep the dogs happy while we're gone. they were so sad when i was in the hospital.. they stopped eating. we've left them before and they were fine.. they must have known something was wrong, must have sensed it from my mom who was feeding them. i dont want them to stop eating again while we're gone, so the neighbor has promised to play with them. she's the sweetest neighbor i could ask for (i know she reads this stuff!) they are in good hands with her. so in the dollar store, they always have helium ballons at the ceiling for sale. in one of the rows i walked down, there was a pink "it's a girl" balloon floating around, it had a little less air than the others so it wasnt at the ceiling like the rest, but standing alone, hovering at my eye level as i walked by. when i walked next door to the grocery store, right as the automatic doors opened for me, about 20 feet away was a little friendly toddler girl sitting in a cart waiting in line, with dark hair and light eyes who smiled and waved at me as i walked in the door.

the carseat. the balloon. the sweet little girl full of sunshine directed right at me. you cannot make this stuff up. mommy loves you too katie.