Biltmore

john's sister and her husband visited us this week. they had already made plans for this mid-September visit months ago. it's quite different than we originally thought it would be, at the risk of making a huge understatement.

we went to the biltmore mansion in asheville, NC this afternoon. john really wanted to just go to the mountains, but we did that while I was pregnant, and it's too hard to do things that I did while pregnant. even simple things like going to staples to buy envelopes wrench my heart. i went to staples to buy paper that last week of pregnancy. so going to the mountains where we took our "babymoon" is out of the freakin question right now.

last time i went to biltmore was right before i started nursing school, and we weren't even married yet. so we were safe with that plan.

yea right. i have a one track mind. the vanderbilt family built this house in 1900.. the largest private home in the United States, and it has 99 rooms and 43 bathrooms. they had 1 child. that... doesnt make sense to me. if i had that much money and 99 rooms, i would be tempted to have 99 children.

me: i am willing to bet that they had a few stillborns... since they only have one child. they had so much money and such a big house.. they would have wanted more children i would think.. but it just wasnt talked about back then... psh, it's not even talked about now!

john: well, maybe not, it was hard to have sex when your bedrooms are 100 yards apart.

hah. yes, i do laugh sometimes, and john is still john. and mr. and mrs. vanderbilt did have separate bedrooms. but their daughter cornelia was born in that house. there MUST have been others... homebirths in the 1900s had to be so very dangerous, not surprising if only one survived. or maybe im just clinging to this because I just cant be the only one who this has happened to. i am well aware that im not... i have many new "friends" worldwide now... we all wish we werent friends. but we are bonded and linked in our despair... you've all seen the picture in the sand now. that photographer lost her little boy just like i lost my little girl... she never heard him cry or changed his diaper.

it was a rainy day at biltmore.. that was ok with me. it matched my gloomy mood. i saw three babies in the mansion, but who's counting? (hint: me). there were many more small children and toddlers, but only three young infants. there was one little girl who was 7 weeks like kathlyn would be, or at least very close...i was tempted to ask when she was born. i am sure it was july 30. but of course i didnt ask.. if i had spoken to her parents i probably would have said something completely inappropriate like "can i have her?" or "i hope you know how lucky you are." they would have gotten over it, their baby is alive, mine is not. but... maybe they had 5 miscarriages, or a stillborn before this baby, or maybe she has a twin dying in the NICU, or an older child who got hit by a bus. you dont know what people have been through. you just dont... you just never know.

except.. somtimes you do. while sitting in the rain (something that did not bother me in the least), i saw a good looking family with 3 robustly healthy children, a girl and 2 boys. they were just walking from down this large ramp from the garden area towards their car. the dad was in the car with a coffee (instead of spending time with his family), and the mom was with the children. when they came off the ramp and reached the parking lot, the mom told the kids they could run to their van. the girl and the older boy shot off with all their might.. leaving the 2 or 3 year old youngest boy behind. he got frustrated. the mom said "dont worry, you'll be as fast as them soon!" he pouted and crossed his arms. the dad looked up from his coffee and SCREAMED at him. "GET IN THE CAR NOW!" what the?? it wasnt raining THAT hard, as if he needed to get in the car to stay dry.. and it's not like he asked him 4 times nicely first and the kid didnt listen. and when you tour biltmore, you see the same people over and over. so i know it's also not that the kids had been misbehaving all day and the dad was frustrated on his last nerve.. they were well behaved and poised and not running all about inside at the displays. so.... in this case.. i can say it with certainty, and i did.. outloud.. to john... "well.. i guess THEY'VE never lost a baby." im not saying i'll never yell at my children or lose my temper with them, or that that daddy isn't a good one.. maybe he is.. but that was just unnecessary and it made me sick.

john is flipping through channels. he just found "i didnt know i was pregnant" and changed it away at warp speed. i still noticed. no prenatal care and a crying, breathing, pink little newborn. that's fair. can i have her?


here is a list of the songs we heard in the car today, among others.

i still miss you by keith anderson
ive been strong and ive been week by i still miss you.. ive done everything, try to move on like i'm suppossed to.. i'd give anything for one more minute with you.. i still miss you

tears in heaven by eric clapton
(seriously? you know that one)

my little girl by tim mcgraw
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you,
though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.
Beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.



love your baby girl by sugarland
Dear Mom and Dad... please dont worry cause I'm alright..
what do ya know we made our dreams come true.. there are fancy cars and diamond rings but you know that they dont mean a thing.. well they all add up to nothing compared to you... but remember me in ribbons and curls, I still love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl


cleanin' this gun by rodney adkins
so you like my daughter do you now, yea we think she's somethin else, she's her daddy's girl and her mama's world


I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.... WOW.. how did I even just type that? how did i listen to or type any of it really... i will answer my own question: because my heart is aching every second anyway... it doesnt matter if those cowboys are singing about it or not.

i came home to a nice message this evening..

I know how over the moon you both were for this. Even a perfect stranger would have to be deaf and blind not to notice. One day things will be "okay"..they won't be the same or perfect but you will be strong again and when the time is right, the Lord will send you another angel. He or she won't take the place of Kathlyn, nothing ever could..but they will love you just as much and vice versa. She will be watching over all of you every moment, knowing that you both were born to be parents and smiling because a child brought into the world by you two would be one of the happiest, well-loved and well-taken care of.


part of my response to her was that I'm desperate for that time when I'll be "ok." I count the days until it's medically ok for me to get pregnant again. I could cheat and try in November.. although that would make me due in August again, and that's a very scary mirror. I could wait until January but that feels millions of years away. But I'm also too scared this will happen to me again. We take risks for love don't we? I just want one that cries next time.. and outlives me... I got my healthy and beautiful and perfect little baby.. I want that again.. just please let her cry next time. and wear ribbons and curls. And bring home boys while john cleans his gun. and realizes that fancy cars and diamonds arent important. and holds her great grandchildren one day on earth after im long gone and reunited with her big sister. and i say "her" because it's all i've ever known, a daughter. but i'll gladly take a boy. a boy who cries, and is healthy, and meets a girl who's dad realizes he can put the gun away because my son has the same golden heart as his father.