first drive in 8 weeks

well, i did it. i drove. not entirely sure what the big deal was there.. the build-up was much worse than the actual event. sitting behind the wheel was no harder than doing all the things that "the last time I did that, I was pregnant." it still feels scary to do things by myself. katie should be with me. i shouldnt be doing anything alone, i should have a little extension of myself with me. it just isnt right.

i went to meet with a mommy who has a story as sad as mine. to respect her, im not sharing very much of our conversation and certainly no details of her life during and after her loss. It was another example of someone offering her kindness to me, by offering her home and heart for the evening. she has a beautiful screened in porch and it was a comfortable night outside. so far everyone i've talked to with a loss like mine has been online.. strangers who are on other ends of the country and world, who share their stories by writing like i have. but i cant see their faces or hear their shaky voices. tonight, i could look directly into the face of mother who has been there. i felt so, so sorry for her. she is years ahead of me in her grief, she has since had two healthy children and therefore endured two subsequent frightening pregnancies. the intense pain that im feeling, it's still there for her too. she thinks of her daughter every day. she is head over heels for the two children she's been blessed with the chance to raise, so she feels happiness again, but not the carefree kind, not the kind she sees in her face of older pictures such as on her wedding day. i cant remember how she put it exactly, but something about how she "lost her child and it's the worst thing she's ever gone through, but.." and she paused, looking for the next thing to say, but nothing came. i said "there's no 'but' to that, is there?" and she said no. there's no but. it's the worst thing, period. i am so sad for her. that was a new feeling tonight.. i think early in grief, you just dont have it in you to feel bad for anyone else but yourself... but i saw past my own grief tonight, for moments during our conversation and on my way back home, i felt heartbroken for her and her only. this *hasnt* only happened to me. there *is* someone else who didnt get to bring their baby home. it's just not fair. i want my baby.. she wants her baby. she has two more.. but she wants her first. oh, i am so, so sad for her. like i said, i wont share much more.. that is the reason i went there.. because SHE is the first person in my life who DOES understand... there's not much point in saying more than that, as most of my readers cant understand like we do anyway.

ive been meaning to share something that you will be able to relate to if you are a mother who hasn't suffered the loss of a child. http://www.thealternativepress.com/column.asp?COL=ma&ID=38 the september 1 article, called "counting blessings".. it's about us. theauthor asked our permission to write and publish that. the last line on the 2nd to last paragraph gets me every single time. Yep it's true... I went back to the article again to be sure i had the location of that sentence correct, and it made me cry a second time tonight.

there is one more thing i will share about our conversation.. the mutual feeling how in the aftermath, it's not really that comforting to be told that we are strong or that we're doing well. i wasnt sure if i was alone in that sentiment... but apparently im not. over certain things.. i know i've been strong and brave and gracious.. like going into my daughters room to pick out her clothes to give to someone else in her honor. that has been very difficult, and something that im sure many people would simply be unable to do. but i suffer thru it because i HAVE to do things to honor my daughter, no matter how large or small. but over every day stuff.. im not entirely sure why, but being told im strong is hard. we said maybe because it causes guilt.. my baby has died, how could i feel strong and be "doing well" after that?! or maybe because if we're strong, that implies we could do this again if faced with it again.. no way! i cant do this again! or maybe it's because of fear... if you think im strong, that im doing better, you will stop checking on me. you will be at home, resting easy because im doing ok. well im not. i still need you. and years down the line, farther into my grief like her, i still will. i had this conversation with a friend recently (someone who hasnt been through a loss) and she said that people want to tell me im strong because they see little strengths shining through here and there and it's much easier to tell me im strong, than to speak the other raw truths of this matter: that is completely and utterly sucks. the other mommy put it that way too.. that "this just really, really sucks" is an appropriate thing to say to us or by us. telling me im strong is easier than expressing the absolute horror and sadness that you feel for me and know that im feeling every minute. i cant fault any of you for that, and i dont. im just speaking the truth. some of you do it already privately. go ahead and tell me the days that you are just horrified and sickened over this for me and that you get why being weak makes a whole lot more sense than being strong right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rty6JEwfuPU

i heard this song in the car on the way to her house.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.

[holy sh*t... that feeling when you know a song was written straight from your own heart.. you all know the agony i feel over the fact that i was asleep when she died and how afraid i am that it will happen to me again]

But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why. [hm no, not so much that part though]

Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.


Kathlyn, tonight I ask you to go run in the clouds with the little angel baby of mommy's new friend.. two new relationships that should have never had to develop.