raw truth

i was ONE DAY away from having a baby in my arms. MY VERY OWN! what kind of cruel joke is that?! ONE DAY!

i just edited a whole lot of R-rated words out of that sentence, just fyi. it makes a lot more sense with them in there, but you can add them yourself if you want the true taste to how im feeling, you're big boys and girls.

angry part over. here's the heartfelt stuff.

yesterday when i held the sweet little baby, john said he peeked in on me twice, and i didnt notice because i didnt take my eyes off of her. i swear on my father's and daughter's ashes (since there are no graves), i didnt know he was there watching me. he's right.. i didnt take my eyes off of her.. she was truly a site for my sore, tear streaked, water logged eyes. "you're just a little angel, arent you, yes you are.. just the sweetest little angel" i said to her, and then i realized the irony of that statement. so i added "a different kind of angel" and brushed her cheek. she is just precious. im so glad her parents will let me hold her, my little shadow baby, katie's first friend. her mommy came in after awhile and said "im just gonna change her, but you can have her right back!" john came in the room then. once she was changed, her mommy said to john "do you want to hold her?" and john, having seen how much holding her had put me at ease (unbeknownst to me at the time), said "no, give her to beth." she passed the baby to john for a split second, he lifted her and gave her a little kiss on the forehead, and passed her to me. my heart broke once again into a trillion little pieces which carved "daddy's little girl all gone" onto the inside of my chest.

angry part is back.... one f-ing day away from our grips.