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Friday, September 18, 2009 at 2:38pm
john just forwarded me something from his work email. it is an announcment that a police officer family, who's baby boy died at 2 days old, just gave birth to twin boys.

the universe gave them the extra baby they were owed. two pregnancies and two babies, that adds up, right? 4 pregnancies sounds like a lot of work to get the 3 babies i dreamed of raising. another new green eyed monster was just born, even at my own two sister-in-laws.. mothers of twins.. they got to be pregnant twice but have three children to raise. i hate the universe.

Dear Katie,
I miss you.
Love you forever,
Mommy

Dear Daddy,
I miss you.
Love you forever,
Beth

Dear God,
I miss You.
Love You forever,
Beth

Happier times written later that Friday afternoon



melody just posted her wedding pics from june 19. she said she knew it would be hard to see this one, but she loves it because "it's the six of us." michael, melody, baby lorelei, beth baby kathlyn, and john.

and i just noticed i left out the comma between me and katie.. i went back to fix the typo and decided to leave it. im not making this up.. my laptop keyboard is irritating and i make typos and miss letters all the time. that one is worth leaving alone. there she is again.. thanks kathlyn, mommy loves you too, together forever even in written word.

ive been in bed since 5am and it's 11pm now. i just frantically tried calling or texting like 7 people because im afraid ive been lying down so long, im gonna throw a clot and die from a pulmonary embolism and no one will even know it. these are the thoughts that go through my head. but it's friday night.. starting to get late for some after a long week, and many are out enjoying life as the weekend begins. i hate being alone like this, but my top supporters spread themselves so thin for me already. so i finally got someone on the phone and i just have to accept that some days are gonna be this bad. so im gonna go get something to eat, sit with my dogs, flip mindlessly through channels, and say a prayer to God reminding Him that im trying to trust Him and love Him, but that i hate the universe.


Sunday Sept 20, 5:37 pm
today i woke up with a brick on my chest. waking up, already feeling this way, causes me to go back to sleep many times. i suppose already waking up in the red, i could suspect maybe the day could get better. of course for me, it can always get worse.

i went to a gathering last night of the bereaved parents group. i am the newest.. "how long has it been?" they ask.. SEVEN WEEKS!? they are shocked. basically they cant believe i can even walk around on two legs, let alone come to a bbq by myself. i do it because i just absolutely despise being at home alone. i had one of kathlyn's pink paci's clipped to my shirt. they loved it, and everyone fawned over her pictures. "what a beautiful little angel, just a precious little doll baby, she's perfect." it isn't right. i shouldnt even know these people. i should be with all of YOU, letting you HOLD my baby, and say those same things to me as you fawn over HER, not her pictures.

these people are very kind though. their hearts are aching and broken with sadness, anger, guilt, just like mine, even as long as 20 years after losing their child. the event started at 6 and i was there until almost 2am with the hosts, the leaders of the group, and one other couple. the leader of the group has lost her daughter and she points out how the majority of the members have lost sons. i wouldnt have noticed it unless she said it, but it's true. she is a strong believer in signs, that God allows our children to send us signs. she also believes that her daughter sends her the parents who really need her, and would be helped by her. when she gets a mother who has lost a daughter, she knows it will be a special relationship, one sent by her daughter. there are so many coincidences in our stories and in our lives. this conversation makes me want to name my next daughter after her daughter. we shall see.

so i'll go spend the day with john and maybe he can get this brick off my chest, even though he's got one too. he's bigger and stronger than me, somehow im not sure he feels his as much. or maybe that's a whole bunch of BS. we both hate the universe.