that was today.. the life i dreamed of having. i could not have fashioned it better... a perfect warm and breezy fall day on the lake with great friends from a fantastic church, my handsome husband, a day off from a job (which i just so happen to love and be proud of), and the most beautiful little girl in tow, my cherry on top.
except one of those things is missing.. my heart torn from my chest just short of the finish line.. the key ingredient to the recipe of my dream life is gone. if i'd never had her, today would have felt wonderful.. a glimpse into things to come and what could be... one of those "i cant wait!" days. that day when i was 12 felt like that too.. i loved those babies on my block.. i looked forward to being able to say what that mother said.
but, i did have her. and now i don't. the glimpse into the future where i will have beautiful fall days, with great friends, great church, great job, great husband, and living children in tow.. it's still there.. but my cherry on top will always be missing. it can never be quite how i dreamed it up.
i held baby kylie today, katie's shadow baby... the first time i've held a baby since this mess. oh how that warmed my heart and filled my aching arms. the tears flowed.. but it put me so at ease. ive always felt at ease holding a baby, and that's why i want my own.. because i'm tired of giving them back because they arent mine. here i am at home now, with a computer on my lap instead of my daughter.
maybe today told me that it's time for me to go back to work, with some new found information.. instead of avoiding the infants and taking the older kids for patients.. instead i want to take care of the infants who are alone.. so i can give them some of the love that is stuck inside me.. better to avoid the parents with the well meaning question "do you have any children?", and let those babies warm my heart like they always do... infant pediatrics is my true calling, that hasn't changed. the image of katie's face will always be in my head no matter the age of my patient, that won't change either.
i am so deep in grief, please dont forget that. just because i took the enormous step to hold a baby today and tickle the idea of going back to work doesnt mean im suddenly healed. grief lasts longer than the 3 days of bereavement pay that american employers allow for the death of child. it lasts longer than the week of the funeral, longer than the month of sympathy cards, longer than the vacation you take to try to smile again, longer than the next pregnancy, longer than the first or fifth anniversary: it lasts a lifetime. it feels good to have hope, and i know it's inspiring for me to put my sadness into such heartfelt and beautiful words tied into a pretty little bow. but last night was dark and frightening and not so pretty. i dont always write about the times where i dont like the person im becoming, a nasty, angry, green eyed monster, cursing and screaming and pounding on the floor, throwing things and being ashamed of the mess i have to clean up after i make it, scrolling desperately through my cell phone contact list to decide who to burden this time... often im crying so hard, i dont make the call anyway.. no one understands what im saying through the sobs. not that it's hard to guess.
Jesus called the children to Him and said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
summer '91
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