it's 4:30am and i'm awake. john and the dogs are asleep. i'm still baffled that john can sleep now. i've said my prayers, considered using my healthy dose of legal drugs to allow me to fall back to sleep, but my thoughts immediately go to my daughter. that's a lie, they don't go to my daughter, they stay there. my thoughts go to what i should be doing with her. 4:30am on wednesday, september 23, i should be awake because she cried and she was hungry. i would take her to the couch to feed her, so not to wake her father who has to work tomorrow. i might shed a few tears, anticipating going back to work in 4 weeks, leaving her with her grandmother and some freshly pumped breastmilk. i wonder if she'd mind the bottle. i'd like to think that she'd prefer getting it directly from me. just me and kathlyn and none of the rest of the world exists. i certainly wouldnt be packing for a vacation to st. thomas. no.. my tropical paradise is right here in my living room.
but, at 4:30am, she's not hungry. she's dead. there's the fucking raw truth. i can pray and mourn and be comforted, have hope, have another baby, but there my raw truth will stay. dead babies dont wake you up in the middle of the night for milk because they are hungry. a faithful, kind person i know, earlier tonight, said the word "hell" while frustrated and was embarrassed and apologized and said he doesnt normally talk like that. and i just said fuck. FUCK. im screaming it. classy. i hate the universe.
kathlyn will never feel hungry. she'll never latch on to me and feel the intense love i have for her in the earthly sense. she feels love where she is, i can be sure of that, but i wanted my damn turn first. i try to find comfort that she'll never feel THIS. she never get called fat or ugly or stupid, she'll never get dumped, never have to dump someone, never be frustrated with her husband, never get divorced, she'll never stress over grades or a mortgage, she'll never cry for a friend who's hurting, she'll never have to apologize for swearing, feel embarrassed or owe anyone an apology for anything, she'll never get sick with RSV or cancer, she'll never experience the deepest grief imaginable when her child dies. she'll never even have to lose a parent.
have you ever been called fat, ugly, stupid, ever been dumped, had to dump someone? ever fought with your spouse, got divorced, ever stressed over an exam or a bill, ever been sick, owed someone an apology, cried for a friend, or felt grief? ever lost a parent? a child? BOTH?!
would you give it all up, avoid life and its hurts, and instead go to heaven the day before you were born?
oh my little kathlyn, mommy so sorry.
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I'm up super early too. Couldn't sleep and gotta get ready for work eventually.
ReplyDeleteI have a wonderful friend. One who is very Christian and as sweet and proper as can be. Sadly, many years ago, she lost a child. She told me that sometimes the F word is just necessary. That made me feel good. Because I catch myself needing to use that word quite a lot nowadays.
I too have thought that at least Ella won't ever experience anything painful. I've even thought that maybe I shouldn't have more children. What if I have a daughter and she loses a baby? It's all so complicated.
No words. Just wanted to say I feel for you. Better to get the angry out than keep it in, I say. (((hugs)))
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