today i went to the dentist. how normal. the last time i went, i was pregnant, so they couldnt do the routine xrays at the time. so they were done today and i have a small cavity, but my primary dentist wasnt there, so im going back on thursday to meet with him. what i have to say is, you better hurry up and do what you need to do, because im not delaying my next pregnancy for dental work. ive been told my determination is inspiring. i just want my baby. since i cant sell an evil person's soul to the devil to get her back, i will have to settle for being devastated without her and create her siblings sooner than later. they will not replace her. i would have wanted them if she had lived. there is only one time in a parent's life that they love their firstborn more than the rest of their children: when the rest don't exist yet. i love kathlyn the most, she's all i know. i want my baby.. the one i already had. "tough shit", says fate. well i dont believe in fate.. fate can crawl back into its mother's womb and die. i believe in God. and i am BEGGING HIM to let this work out for me next time. i dont even think that's a proper way to pray. you're suppose to thank God for your blessings, praise Him, ask for forgivness, and then the last priority is asking Him for the things you want. i just hope He understands, it's hard for me to thank Him for my blessings when I'm so desperate for the most wonderful blessing that i've lost.. my gorgeous little girl. oh, my little girl. i am so in love with her, the strongest love yields the deepest grief.
we went for another motorcycle ride this afternoon. it wasnt as healing as the last one, i dont know why. i came home and i had that feeling that i was about to burst into tears. they never came. instead, i fell asleep on the couch. for four hours.
i am still reading many of the blogs of other mothers in my shoes. there is one who writes so well, i believe her blog is followed by every writer in this community of the bereaved. she recently wrote a message on how there are so many of us, it's impossible to read about them all, but that she feels connected to the ones most similar to her story: firstborn daughters stillborn at fullterm after perfectly healthy pregnancies. sounds familiar, right? she's almost exactly a year ahead of me in her grief, and pregnant with her second child. i have been warned to be careful reading about so many others in the pit of despair like i am, that it would add to my depression. but there is so much hope in these stories, especially the ones like her, who are pregnant again, and making it. so i left a comment on her entry stating how i felt connected to her because of our similarities. i feel like im talking to a rockstar when i talk to her, she is so popular and loved. i believe she is personally acquainted with the photographer of the "names in the sand" creater. they are the veterans, and i am the rookie. i have a lot to learn from them.
i am afraid that my comment on her page was hurtful to someone else, as it prompted her to write an entry entitled "37 weeks." I was already a follower of her blog, and she is a follower of the popular blogs too. her baby girl died just a few weeks before kathlyn, also her firstborn daughter like me. she stated that if the baby had made it, as she should have, (but she is stuck in the alternate universe like me, where babies die) that she'd currently be 37 weeks pregnant with her. she says it is hurtfull when people ask her if she was full term when the baby died. no, she wasnt full term, but she was past the age of viability and could have survived if given the chance to be born crying.
i do often mention the fact that i was full term. so very close to having my baby in my arms and my home. however, i dont think it would have hurt less if she had died earlier in the pregnancy, especially at the point of viability, i would have still felt that motherhood was so close to my grips, once i had gotten to know her, plan for her, name her, have a baby shower for her, shop for her, love her, talk to her, feel her move inside me, set up her room. it is extemely frustrating and hurtful that i was one day away from having her.. but when thinking about this other mother, i cannot say that my situation is more heartbreaking than hers, it would be like saying that losing a 2 year old is harder than losing a 1 year old. her daughter, like mine, was perfectly formed and beautiful. i am sorry if my comment which mentioned that i was fullterm was hurtful to her. i am directing her to read this. we are all in this together.
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Yes, we are all in this together. We all had our hearts ripped out and stomped on the day we lost our babies. Right after losing Ella, I was so offended when people compared my loss to a miscarriage. I wanted people to know that I had birthed Ella, held her, and then had to give her away. But, I met someone at my support group, someone who has become a very dear friend who has experienced two miscarriages and she is just as grief stricken as we are. I even feel guilty sometimes because I at least got to see my daughter and hold her. She never got to that point. Yes, we are all in this together.
ReplyDeleteBeth, OMG, my post totally had nothing to do with your comment. Not at all. For some reason yesterday I just decided to look at an online pregnancy calendar to see how far along I would be right now and when I realized 37 weeks it hit me hard. Seriously. Completely unrelated to your comment. You are soo sweet to be worried about that, but you needn't be. I just read your comment as a statement of fact. You were full-term. At the finish line. I didn't read it as saying my loss was something less.
ReplyDeleteI don't compete in the "grief olympics" as Barb calls it. We are all grieving, and all of our stories are unique. There are so many other layers to just having your baby die - bad support, fertility problems, martial problems, job loss/stress, etc. I don't think there is any point in trying to make comparisons. There are so many things we don't know about each other, and even if we all knew the total picture, what is the point in saying I have it worse than someone else. We all have it bad, and we are all here to support one another and that is all that matters.
Our losses are similar, but also different because Isla was not full-term, and we weren't as close to the finish line. We ordered her furniture, but it hadn't arrived. We booked a date for her shower, but the invitations hadn't gone out yet. Some of it I wish we had done, like purchased more clothes for her because I wish I had more tangible evidence she was here. And, maybe if she was full-term people would be more understanding of our loss and would acknowledge her life a little more (other real world people, not other baby loss mommas). BUT, I wasn't as prepared for her to come home yet, and I do acknowledge that if I lost her today, on some levels it may be more difficult.
And p.s - just so you know, if you had hurt me, I would be way more direct in telling you cause passive aggressive posting is not my style.
it is hard being compared to miscarriages. i was far enough along, the whole 9-10 months, that i even had the carseat strapped into the car, most of the time the mother of a miscarried baby doesnt even own the carseat yet. that was VERY hard on my husband to take the carseat bases back down out of both cars after so carefully installing them just a day before. but... a mother's love is still the same, the deepest love, and there's no reason to compare, just support one another.
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