had a pretty good day today. i spoke to one of the OB nurses on the phone for a long time, and then i visited with one of my pastors. near to the end of both conversations, they both asked if i had anymore questions or needed anything else. i just laughed. they both know, i could talk for hours... they could run an entire practice and an entire ministry just for me.
then tuesday always ends well because it's the small church group night (called "rock group"). my pastor knows that we love rock group so much because we have our top supporters with us, and we can focus on good friends instead of grief. that's true. and what else is true, is that if we want or need to focus on katie and on the grief, we can do that too. they will let us. they will hold us up.
but the calm and the storm always alternate. my chest is tight and heavy again. 9 more minutes until john's favorite show is over, and we will watch the biggest loser together. it will certainly make me cry, the release i probably need right now.. it made me cry every episode last season while i was pregnant. this season, there is a mother who's 2 week old baby died.. i can relate. except that her 5 year old and her husband died in the same accident. there are no more words.
john and i are leaving for a vacation this weekend, we are going to St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands for seven days. everyone's first reaction is how lucky we are, and a bit of jealousy. i can admit, we are lucky to be getting this trip that will hopefully be relaxing and healing for us, just the two of us, and that we have the time and the money to do it. but i feel the same way i feel whenever we get a nice dinner and movie date night, just the two of us.. that we're going backwards in time. we were ready to give that alone time up to raise a baby instead. im still on my maternity leave... going on a tropical vacation instead of sleepless nights and dirty diapers. it will be a nice vacation.. but you know we'd rather have it the other way. the fact of it is, ive been waiting bascally my entire life to have a baby. and, im just still waiting. except... im not "just still waiting." i had a daughter and she died. i had some sort of chance to get to know her, to expect her to be here, and she's not. i just hope that THIS time, this is ACTUALLY our babymoon... the last big vacation alone before being parents. we ARE parents. we're just not parenting anything.
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