july she will fly

***i made a status update on facebook earlier about really needing visitors tonight. and i left my phone number. i got a lot of responses.. that warmed my heart.


Thanks to everyone who responded to my status earlier tonight. A friend came and picked me up, I got something to eat, and we went to another friend's house and they let me talk for hours... we cried some, but not like I was doing at home. I just cant sit at home and soak my pillows like that and not get out of bed.. I cant and wont survive that way. I was a complete wreck.. I had on the same shirt for 3 days and hadnt brushed my teeth yet today. knowing she was coming was enough to get up, change, brush my teeth and get out the door. thank you to those who are willing to see and endure me in that condition and allow me to be weak when i need to be. I cant do this alone.

I dont know why the news of the autopsy hit me so hard. We got the news we were expecting, which was no news. Kathlyn was healthy and perfect, with no anatomic or genetic defects and no infection. If there was clotting in the placenta or cord, I guess it was too small to be found. Or as the doctor said before, the placenta clots normally after delivery, so they may not be able to tell if any of the clotting was older and what caused her death. No one can explain why babies die of SIDS either. So no one can explain this. My beautiful, perfectly formed little angel baby.. she truly died for NO REASON. i want my baby. i cant believe this is my life.

Getting a medical reason wouldn't have been any more or less saddening to us. If it was an infection, we still would have asked, why did she have to get an infection? Or if it was a heart defect, why did she have to have that? It is sad and cruel no matter what. And everyone's response is that it's good to have created a healthy baby... that we can do it again. But you have to understand, when I am checked during my next pregnancy, and checked closely, it will no longer be a relief to be told that everything is checking out normal and healthy. Perfect, great news, wonderful, my baby is normal and healthy. YEA. SO WAS KATHLYN. and she still died. what will be a consolation of being told that my secondborn is healthy too. no one is safe. if kathlyn had a defect, and they could rule that out for me during pregnancy, then that might be comforting (though i'd still feel vulnerable anyway, no getting around that feeling anymore ever.) or if she had a cord accident, i could work to try to prevent it from recurring. if she had an infection, i could be even more of a nazi with handwashing and glove/mask/gown wearing at work. but when there is absolutely no reason or explanation for someone's death, how does one go about preventing it from happening again? please dont just tell me to put it in God's hands. I dont blame Him for this. I prayed for a healthy daughter and I got one. The results today proved that. "Dear God, thank You for a healthy baby" were my words many times a day, every day, for the 33 weeks I was aware that I was pregnant. I dont blame Him, but there is obviously something more than just "putting it in God's hands", because God had to know that I meant i wanted a healthy daughter and that i wanted to RAISE HER for the next 22+ years. God will be there for me, i havent abandoned that, but i have a job to do here too.. bring another healthy baby into the world, one i get to keep next time. If you believe that He did this to me and my daughter and my husband purposely... well GEE THANKS A LOT for that one.. that's not how I believe and we are allowed to believe differently. my baby died for no reason. she didnt die so that someone else could be saved or helped later. that might be a positive outcome from this situation, but that wasnt its cause. if it was... well GEE THANKS FOR THAT ONE TOO.. where was MY person then... where was the baby who died before me so that MY baby could be saved instead. Kathlyn was innocent, she was not some sacrificial lamb who had to die for someone else's greater good. i believe in mistakes and this was a mistake.. a really big one. I am sad and I believe God is sad with me.. not up there sitting righteous and saying it was for my own good or putting Kathlyn to work as some extra baby angel He needed. i'll keep my kind, loving, sympathetic God and you can have your mean, planning God who teaches his naughty children lessons.

i have "put it in God's hands" that i am saved eternally, as is my daughter and anyone else who accepts that He sent His Son to die for us. but God's hands don't save everyone on earth as i have learned so many times over. with God by my side, that job is in my hands, during my next pregnancy, in my hands, and in my fear and anxiety filled mind. i'll still ask Him in prayer every day for a healthy baby, one who i raise to live a long life this time.. but i'll do my part too.


i am struggling whether to publish this or not. i have deleted and edited and rewritten so much of it. im going to go ahead and hit publish though i feel this is controversial. it shouldnt matter... i have already given so much of my heart to my readers in my darkest times. if i can admit to wearing the same shirt for 3 days, i shouldnt be a coward to admit my deepest views on faith here. God knows my heart.. He can judge and tell me, some day or another, if i'm right or not. and i will continue to believe the way i do. maybe this will shed light on the question so many have asked me, how have i not had my faith in God completely rocked... because i dont believe that he hurt me purposely. we live in a fallen world where bad things happen. i cant turn away from Him at the time i need Him the most.. and i have my blessings which as i've said, are hard for me to feel when i'm so desperate for the one i've lost. and im still asking why... why God, why my baby, why did my healthy baby die for no reason? please help me get through this. please help me do my part to have the next one. please help my supporters help me get through this. please help my doctors get me through this. and please take care of my baby.


5:59am

one of the mothers on a blog i read calls herself "the happy sad mama." her daughter was born into heaven like kathlyn in 2003. she has had 2 healthy children since the death of her first. she is pregnant with her 4th. she made an entry tonight remembering that the 2nd and 3rd months after loss are the very hardest.. the baby is gone, though you get to embrace her just that once. then the funeral, the support, the cards. and then it all dwindles, and the baby is still gone.

that's where i am. 8 weeks ago today, wednesday, my baby died. and 8 weeks ago tomorrow, thursday, she was born. the happy sad mama said that in the 2nd to 3rd month, she spent an entire afternoon in her baby's room, on the floor, screaming and crying into the rug. i did that this afternoon, into my own pillow in my own room, but what i really wanted to do was take katie's mattress off of her crib, put it on the floor, and sleep on her sheets and with her blankets, even though she never touched them, alive or dead. she also wondered if her neighbors heard her. i wondered that too. my sobs heard round the neighborhood, and round the world.

for her, month 3 was july 2003. for me, month 2-3 is september and october. right now. and so i was reminded of one of my favorite songs. it's also a favorite of my dad's. gives me the chills, and you will see why. here i will type it from memory.

april come she will
~simon and garfunkel

april, come she will
when streams are ripe and swelled with rain
may, she will stay
resting in my arms again
june, she'll change her tune
in restless walks she'll prowl the night
july, she will fly
and give no warning to her flight
august, die she must
the autumn winds blow chilly and cold
september, i remember
a love once new has now grown old


unbelievable. absolutely unbelievable.