the inevitable...

The strange ways one is comforted from grief: TWO people commented on my Kathlyn necklace today... one I told the truth to, one I did not. and when I got home, I launched some old apples and clementines all way across the yard and over our back fence into the woods. There are never too many ways to get rid of angry energy.

There are some things for bereaved parents that are just inevitable, no matter how irrational, negative, or angry they might be. They don't make me proud or feel particularly Christian, but they are part of grief.

*Not having any interest in anything except memorializing or talking about the child that was lost, and getting frustrated when not given the opportunity to do this every single day.

*Even though it's innocent, being asked "how are you?" makes a grieving person's head spin. My child has died, and I'm still alive, how do you THINK I am?! I'm miserable and heartbroken. If I say "I'm fine", I'm lying, and now I feel that I've denied my child, and a private meltdown ensues. It's exhausting.. grief is such hard work. Hm.. and how are you?

*Nothing will be said outloud about happy holidays, birthdays, congratulations, none of it... just not in the mood to celebrate anything. I will pray for you and your family though, every day, and I will thank you if you've done something nice, no matter how small.

*Anger, resentment, confusion, frustration, and curse words directly at God. In some cases (not me personally, though tempted at times), turning away from Him completely.

*Anger, resentment, frustration, and jealousy, not towards our friends and family, but towards situations.. the happy family and life that you have is something a sad person wants. Come on.. you've seen me with my friends' babies, you know I love them from the bottom of my broken heart; but inevitably the resentment at the situation is there. I want what you have, too. I want it for all of us. I once had it.. now it's gone.

*Thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Uh-huh. You can pretend it's not there, but for many bereaved parents, it is. Go to a "Compassionate Friends" meeting, and you'll find out pretty fast how common it is.

*Feeling worthless, guilty, regretting the inability to save the child or die in her place, having no hope, having no reason to live, and yet the paradox of not wanting to die is there, causing another constant recycling personal meltdown. Repeat.. grief is exhausting.

*Losing friends. It surprises and saddens me how many parents talk about this. On the other side though, some of your dearest friends will shine through. And even more encouraging, you find friends and kind strangers where you least expected them.

*Being afraid of everything. A child dying, no matter how, is unnatural and out of order. The realization that "no one is safe", and nothing is guaranteed, comes with this tragedy - worry, fear, and pessimism. The opposite can happen too though - not caring about anything, the feeling of "well I did everything I could and my child died anyway, why even try to prevent the worst anymore?" or not being afraid to die anymore because as a parent, you want to die, to end the pain, and be with your precious baby. These two extremes can also recycle back and forth between months, days, even minutes.

And then, as if they weren't hard enough to feel on their own, relentless guilt follows all these things.. how could I want to die and leave behind everyone else? How could I resent my closest loved ones for what they have? How dare I speak to God that way?! How rude that I didnt tell that person congrats or ask how they are. Maybe if I'd been a better friend, they wouldn't have turned their back on me. Maybe I deserved what happened to this family. I just wasted another day in bed. I can't believe I just denied my child. Everyone is forgetting her.

Repeat.

Grief is so exhausting.

Back me up on some of these, if you've been through them.

And here comes the guilt .. (told you!) I'm sorry if I've offended any parent going through grief. I'm not making sweeping generalizations, just pointing out some things I've felt and seen/heard other people feeling that were eerily similar. I certainly don't mean to say they apply to every parent. Women, men, EVERYONE grieves differently.

Except that I'm willing to bet that either way, you're as exhausted as I am...