my brothers

..they are so lucky. they both have twins, and then one more.

Kathlyn had a vanishing twin, lost at 3 weeks.

This should be me, too. Twins, plus 1 more.




They are very supportive, and heartbroken for me, but it's hard because they both live far away. I don't even get a chance to hug those sweet nephews and niece of mine.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself these days. Physically, I still feel pretty bad. I'm cramping, bleeding, naseous, not hungry, dizzy from the painkillers. John is worn out too, from taking such good care of me. You can tell in this house... the milk and dogfood are running out.. my cereal this afternoon was stale. There's dust and dog hair piling up on the floor and furniture. The trash is piling up because two weeks have passed where we forgot to put it to the curb. I have clean laundry in the dryer from when I was still pregnant. Since it hasn't been moved, that means no new laundry has been done either.

I have no interest in the beautiful spring day outside. I'd like to go back to work, where I am forced to pretend that I'm happy and ok, but I dont feel safe or well enough to drive.

I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore. I still think of the cute little birdie crib set in blue, orange, and yellow, that I wanted if I was having a boy. I still think, when trying to decide what to eat, of all the things I should be avoiding. And then I remember.. it doesn't matter anymore. I can have all the diet cherry coke, deli meat, unpasteurized cheese, and medications that I want. I could get as drunk as a white trash bachelorette with a short skirt and a free ride home. I could smoke until my brain dries up.

Hm. I hear that type of behavior increases your chances of having a living newborn.

I keep being told to remember my worth in life other than being a mother. I really have no idea how I would go about accomplishing that. Don't you remember the picture of me at less than 2 years old with the baby doll? This is a 29 year old desire of mine, to have a baby in my arms. I've only been a wife for 3 years, and a nurse for 2. I can't just casually forget a 29 year wish because my children have died. It's not going to happen. The fact that they have died only magnifies that wish.

Thank you for the support that has come pouring in. For anyone who wonders why I inundate myself with so much time online with the blogging community, it's because these mothers understand. They know the right things to say, do, not say, and not do. They understand feelings that even my own husband admittedly doesn't understand. Even when I'm not writing, they are contacting me. More than one of them has sent me cards and gifts through the mail, and I know if more of them had my address, they probably would too.

I've said many times how I believe the sky is blue and sunsets are pink because of all the babies. Someone very special remembered that, and sent me this photo.