still unhappy

the kink in the birthday plans seems to be working itself out.. John and I are getting away on the bike for the day and night. I've written before how riding seems to blow away a few layers of grief while I am allowed to take in the sites... just myself, my husband, my innermost thoughts, and the wind.

I didnt want to disturb John earlier so I went into Kathlyn's room and just cried. I took her mattress out of her crib and laid on it, using 3 of her blankets to cover myself, most of my legs dangling onto the floor. I was wondering how many other mothers, if any, have possibly ever slept on their baby's crib mattress.. how ridiculous.

You should try it.

I looked around her room at the sea of pink, spilling my tears all over her beautiful dragonfly pillow, and was thinking, it was just too damn good to be true wasnt it... the little girl I always wanted, the little girl I dreamed about and loved so much. She was supposed to be here, how perfect that such a significant birthday falls the day after my favorite childhood holiday. My actual day of birth was the day before Easter and 30 years later, with my little dream baby girl, the day after. What a perfect oppurtunity to pick out TWO of the sweetest little frilly spring dresses for her.. there would have been no way I could choose just one... I would have been able to buy two, one for Easter, one for my birthday. I would have taken a thousand pictures, each one cuter than the last. Just too good to be true... no little frilly spring dresses for Kathlyn, no spring pictures, no pink bunnies, no pink bedroom, and no birthday party dresses. If she's wearing one wherever she is, I dont get to see how beautiful she is. She is MY baby, and I still can't believe she's not here with me. There are no clocks in her room... I dont know how long I cried.. I do know that I stopped and started back up quite a few times.. I fell asleep and when I moved back to our bedroom, 3 hours had passed.

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

I can't get you out of my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone
You couldn't be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
Wanting you back
I've felt it all
Up to the wall

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you..

oh my little Katie... I'm so sorry baby..