safe in this house: Ride into 30

John and I rode up to my friend Melody's on Sunday night, so we could see her, and her baby, and spend the night since they live near the mountains (about 3 hours from us). We wanted an early start on the ride in the morning, so it was easier to be there the night before. I also knew I wouldnt be able to sit on the bike for the round trip, in addition the riding on the Blue Ridge Parkway, all in one day, as it turns into about 9 hours of riding. That is what I was so upset about in my lasts posts, because it looked like we wouldnt be able to leave Sunday night due to a very rough night at work for John on Saturday. I just didnt want yet another special day to go to waste, so I panicked. I guess everyone is used to that by now, but it doesnt make it any less valid as it weighs heavily on my heart.

I was so exhausted by the time we got there Sunday that I fell asleep before midnight. It's the first time in my adult life that I havent stayed up until at least 12:22am, the exact time I was born. My mom texted me at 12:01... I didnt see it until hours later.

I woke up to homemade chocolate chip pancakes from Melody and a sweet little baby in a green party dress... my little Lorelei Lambie, my shadow baby. She wore a pretty little white ruffly dress yesterday for Easter. So bittersweet as I talked about the two spring dresses I wanted for Kathlyn. Lorelei and Melody are very important to me though, and they love me and Kathlyn so much... I couldnt think of anyone other than Kathlyn herself that I would have rather spent my 30th birthday breakfast with... cherry baby liked the chocolate chip pancakes too; I was never nauseous, not once after eating them :)

After John got up and ate too, we made our way to the mountains for the motorcycle ride. I was looking forward to the cool mountain breeze... I've come to prefer the mountains to the beach, just like John. Although the St. Thomas and Maui crystal blue waters are breathtakingly beautiful, the red-rock of Moab (our awesome 2007 vacation) and the cool breeze of Blowing Rock are my favorites. I much prefer the coolness and the views, to the humidity and dangerously burning sun.

John and I went to Blowing Rock for what we called "the babymoon"... the last trip before bringing the baby home, but we all know how that story took a wrong turn. I must have done some fair amount of healing, because I swore I could never go back to Blowing Rock ever again, as a reminder of my happy, stupid, oblivious life (aka, when I was pregnant the first time.) But now I was willing, by my own suggestion, to go back to a place that reminds me of when she was alive. I had been thinking this already earlier in the day, but as we reached the Blue Ridge, John said "you've never been up here on the bike, have you..." and I said "no, only in the truck with you.." and he said "oh, it's beautiful. Happy Birthday.." and I smiled. A genuine smile... thinking of Kathlyn the whole time as I looked at the mountain and sky... passed the restaurant we ate at on the babymoon...passed the cabins we stayed in.... memories of an easier life.

Those cliffs are different on the open bike than the closed truck, that's for sure. I loved that cool breeze on my body as I expected... but there's this frightening and exhilirating feeling that you're going to fall over the mountain with one false move. I don't mind... not at all. It just reminds me of my new life...the one that's scary, the one with no guarantees. The only guarantee in life is that you'll die, and often unexpectedly. My faith allows me to believe in a guarantee that also comes with death... the one that was given us at Easter long ago... the guarantee that I'll hold that pretty little baby again. The reality is that anything could happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere.

We didn't fall over the cliff. We're still safe. We were cooled by the wind, awed by the sites, attached at the hip on the bike, refreshed with a long ride and a clearer mind... thinking of our daughter and our second child.

The competition isn't a tough one.. not by any means... should be a very easy win.. But so far 30 is miles ahead of 29.