tears in the forest

John and I went hiking today.. it's his absolute favorite activity. I like it too, it's good exercise and wonderful views, but he really tires me out.. he goes at a much faster pace than I do. He stops to wait for me, and then as soon as I catch him, he starts again. Wait! You just got a break waiting for me.. where's my break?! Sigh. This has been the case for 9 years. Our first date was a hike.. he said he liked to take girls on hikes early on, to make sure they like it and aren't too indoorsy. I passed - he was hooked.

He was frustrated with me yesterday (mother's day) because I slept so much. He doesnt like wasting days away, but to me, they're all a waste, without my babies, no matter what I'm doing. He said he just wants to spend time with his wife. I think he wants his old wife, though. Not this new miserable one.

So we went for a hike. It was reminiscent of the weekend of June 20, 2009. As we were walking the trails towards the end of the hike, I started to cry. I remembered that weekend, our "babymoon". I said outloud.. "I was happier then than I've ever been in my life, and now it's gone."

I'd been using a walking stick, one that we found in the parking lot, and it was the perfect height for me. There were these pretty white wildflowers along the way, and while admiring them, I started to swing at one of the branches with the stick, until the branch was completely empty. I said "no pretty flowers in our life, they're all gone!" The broken branch reminded me of something... my heart. My family. Me. Not pretty. Broken. Battered. Barren.

I saw a fallen, dead, flaking tree trunk nearby, and the destruction continued. I smashed it repeatedly with the stick, pieces flying everywhere. I screamed "it was just too fucking good to be true, wasnt it?!" Everytime we take our dogs out in our backyard by the water, I wish there were rocks to throw, but there's only pebbles back there. They don't make noise or splash. It's like throwing sand. But the rocks on this trail.. they were much bigger. I hurled them one by one, hitting trees and brush and larger rocks, echoing angry sounds into the crisp spring air.

I can't see the forest through these trees, because there isn't one. There is no bigger picture to search for or find. I can't make sense of these losses; they were senseless. We made it to the top of the trail, a lush green panoramic view in front of us, and I cried again. Wouldn't it have been wonderful? We'd been stopped by almost every passerby on the babymoon "oh, look at you, when are you due?! good move having one last vacation! it will never be the same after this!"

They were right. It will never, ever be the same.

Across to the other side of the mountain, we could see the peak of the waterfall we had photographed during the first half of the hike. I swore I could see a gigantic "K" in the different shades of green and brown of the trees... I see Ks everywhere, whether they are there or not. The earth we live in is so beautiful, I can almost believe in hope again.

For now, I just throw rocks.