defeated

it's been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything more than a status update or just a few lines. i feel like i dont have anything to say, only things left to feel. what i do have to say, is just a CD player on repeat of the same song. i want my babies. i want my babies. i want my babies. i could write it every day. i know the babylost would be saddened by this, and everyone else would just become desensitized. how many times in a row can you really listen to the same thing? do you need a break? you know what... i could really use a fucking break from this too. and im never going to get one.

i want kathlyn. i want to be pregnant with my cherry. i want to adopt. i want for it not to sting when i watch my friends' children play together, or when i see a daddy in the grocery store with a baby in her carseat, or a pregnant mom, or a sweet family of 4 at the post office, complete with a toddler boy and an infant girl (who by the way, was way too young to be out in public yet). i want these people to know i have children too, so i want to put my carseat base back in my car. i want children to stop dying at work. i want to feel closer to God. i want i want i want i want i want i want i want. i'm like a child. i'm tired of my own whining.

so ive been sleeping all evening on the couch because that's my break. john feels defeated too, because when he went to bed, he poked at me to let me know, and tried to get me to come. but i didnt really move. he stopped trying. went to bed without me. now, i'm in bed too, and he's facing the other way. here's a free lesson on sex ed: that's not how you make a baby. but being intimate with him right now would be empty and forced. here's a free lesson on marriage counseling: that's not love.

and so here we are: defeated, childless, not participating in physical touch or affirming each other's love. instead, he's struggling to sleep like he always does, and i'm speaking to an audience who knows of absolutely nothing they can do to help me.