huh? tomorrow? what's tomorrow?

I have hated Mother’s Day since I was 15. I remember walking through the mall with my dearest friend in the whole world for many years after that, trying to awkwardly and impossibly avoid the pink signs and banners at every doorway and corner that said “Happy Mother’s Day“, or “treat your mom to something special this Sunday“, or some other terribly commercialized slogan honoring the most loved women in the world. Her mother had died the summer before then, when we were 14. And I think even when I walked grocery stores, drug stores, and malls without her, I cringed at the thought of her dreading that day, and then spending it without her Mommy, in tears, regret, despair, longing for what might have been.

I never imagined in my wildest nightmares that I would hate Mother’s Day for myself, grieving the other end of the cherished Mother/Daughter relationship.

My father died in May, right before his birthday. I think by the time Father’s Day comes around in June, I am so exhausted by grieving his death and birthday, that I don’t notice. And I remember saying, “I miss him every day, what difference does Father’s Day make?”

So tomorrow, I suppose, should not be any worse than any other day, as I spend at least three quarters of every minute soaking in the heartbreak of Kathlyn’s memory and grief. I’m used to hating Mother’s Day anyway, I’ve been doing it for literally half of my life.

I’m sure this friend is reading this. And I wonder if, as a mother herself, if she hates Mother’s Day anymore. I imagine it’s bittersweet for her.

Half my life ago though, there wasn’t such an internet rage. You could avoid those pink banners by just saying home. But go to ANY American website right now, there will be a Mother’s Day advertisement for flowers. And don’t get me started on facebook. For crying out-loud, quite literally.

So if it’s the same as any other day, why right now, after working all night last night, do I want to play mindless video games until my brain dries up, and sleep straight through tomorrow? Does that question even need to be answered? Who am I kidding?

I’ve already gotten 4 Mother’s Day cards in the mail. Two were completely unexpected, from people I never would have guessed would send me such a sweet surprise. The other two were from people who have shown me some form of kindness nearly every day for the past 9 months. And both types of gestures are greatly appreciated.

I have heard a lot of people wondering about “Sad Mother’s” cards. And my friend found one. It’s a pale blue green front, with pink flowers and purple butterflies (SO Kathlyn!) and it says “With Warm Thoughts on Mother’s Day.” Inside it reads “As Mother’s Day draws near, may joyous memories bring you comfort at this difficult time, and may the love of your family fill your heart with peace. Thinking of you today and always.

I think I might have given that card to my friend every year since her mother died if I’d seen it before.

John gave me a Mother’s Day card last year when I was pregnant. Such a wonderful boy, he is. He scored big points, because Mother’s Day is BEFORE Father’s Day, so it’s not like I gave him a FD present so he had to return the favor. He did it all on his own.

This year, I was showing him the latest cherry item that I would love to have, and said something along the lines of “hint hint”, and he looked clueless. I said “maybe for Mother‘s Day…?” and he said “oooh.. Right. Ok.” After a pause, one of the reasons I love him so much, he said, “when the fuck is Mother’s Day?” I burst out laughing, because that is so typical John. My John. Who cares nothing about sentiment and empty hallmark holidays, but everything about protecting and loving those who are important to them. He’ll probably give me something for MD, even if he doesn‘t want to. He knows it will make me smile, so he’ll do it for that reason alone, not because the calendar says so. I don’t need flowers from him. I have had fresh pink flowers on our kitchen counter since Kathlyn’s funeral, many bouquets which I bought for myself. I don’t need the calendar to tell me I’m a mother. I don’t appreciate the calendar or society slapping a hurtful reminder on me either. I love, grieve, honor, remember, and long for my daughter EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day is Mother’s Day, Kathlyn’s Day. My LC’s Day now too. So I will not acknowledge tomorrow. I will put the covers over my head, draw near to my Kat's pink "I love my mommy" blanket and the yellow duckie I bought for Little C's Easter basket before she died, cry when I need to, and let my husband hug me. But I hope I just sleep through it.

Sorry, Mommy. I know you understand. And I’m sorry, my little princess, so sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know, because there’s no pain or regret where you are. Give kisses this “Mother’s Day” to your great-grandmothers up there who you’re named after. And give kisses to Mrs. Carol, for her three daughters, her grandson, and granddaughter. And give Granddaddy a kiss for Gram. She misses him too.

And send a kiss to me, too, Katie-cat. Because you’re still my baby, and I’m still your Mommy. Love you forever and ever and ever.