still my baby

my mom wrote a letter to be published in the newsletter in at our church in new jersey. it started with "our world is upside down."

my world is upside down. ive been crying all day today. i want my baby. she died for no reason, i want her back right now.

on march 19, i wrote this poem. it was 10 days after we found out we were having a girl, when our world was right side up.


firstborn
by elizabeth barnard davis
march 19, 2009


she'll be the one
i'll lay my eyes on
and never look away

she'll be the one
to soften john

she'll be the one
our future son
will follow,
repeat, copy, annoy,
and then protect.

she'll be the one
grandaddy in heaven
forever smiling down

she'll be the one
she'll keep us young


she IS the one
our firstborn

i was right. in every picture we got from "now i lay me down to sleep", it looks like my eyes are closed. they werent. i was looking at her. once i laid my eyes on her, i never looked away. never. not once. if she had lived, i would have looked away at some point. to sleep, to go to the bathroom, to let someone else hold her for a minute. (i would have asked for her back often and quickly, i know i would have. my whole pregnancy i was saying "i just want to HOLD her, im not gonna wanna let anyone else do it!") i would have spent lots of time with my eyes on her, but only figuratively would i have NEVER looked away. but for her entire existance in that hospital room, outside of my body, i never once looked away. i had to squeeze an entire lifetime of looking at my beautiful daughter into 3 hours. some might say, john included, that july 30 was the worst day of our lives. but how could it be the worst day of my life when i got a chance to look at my precious baby. i more feel that every day since then has been the worst day of my life. or maybe july 29 was the worst day of my life because i was so stupidly happy and excited and unaware that this was my last day of being rightside up. a lovefool. i feel like i need to warn anyone who loves someone how much it hurts when a tragedy strikes.. but that's everyone.


i was wrong. she didn't soften john. he had it in him, whether he admits it or not. she just would've made it shine through. he loved her so much. when he walked into the doctor's office, into the room where my mom and i were waiting, the first thing he said to me, as the tears overflowed from his eyes, was "what the hell happened? she was fine. that was our daughter." he had the unthinkable task of holding it in as he drove to me with that news. he is soft, but so strong.

i was wrong. she won't ever meet our future son on this earth.

i was wrong. granddaddy in heaven is not smiling down on her. he's embracing and enjoying every piece of her soul for eternity right next to her.

i was wrong. i feel like i have aged another 30 years.

i was right, she is still my firstborn, still my baby.

http://stillmybabykatie.blogspot.com